Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.
If this sounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.
Cameron Diaz
This was bad planning. We didn’t know he was her demonstrator!
Oh shit. I knew this guy straight away. He was my demonstrator. I won’t do the usual ramble about how great the food and wine was - all that was over pretty quickly, similar to everything else that night really. We bar-hopped for a while afterwards around the Octagon. No matter how many drinks we had, he wouldn’t tell me my lab report grade but did say I should be very pleased with it. I decided he deserved some A-grade appreciation so we headed for his.
We stopped at Starters bar for shots on the way to his. After tequila, I don’t say no to a pash. So we got back to his and pashed. Yes, just pashed. But you wouldn’t believe it. Moments later, I was still fully clothed. As was he. But there was some serious grinding being had on me. Or at least hip thrusting but not really touching anything. Dealing with the intense confusion, I let him continue - after all, I’m pretty new to all this stuff and wanted to see if it was an unusual warm up. Then the noises started. “Uhhh, Uhhh, Oh Arrrghhhhhh. Yes, it’s happening!”
It went from a 5 second kiss to me being object of his dry humping orgasm, which was over before I realised what was happening. If you have seen the movie “Bad Teacher”, then picture the bedroom moment between JT and Cameron Diaz. Yes, I’m Diaz, with slightly less impressive hair.
As he ravaged himself back and forth, his enthusiasm got the better of him - he rolled over my head, off the bed, and landed on the floor. I was still in the same place, so I took my chance and swiftly rolled over and pretended I was asleep. He either passed out or got knocked out on the floor. In the morning I did the sneaky ditch - I heard his snoring, so he was definitely alive. JT, you will not be getting sexy back.
Don’t get with your demonstrator. It turns out my grade was a B. The dry humping, the noises, and the damage to my one-night stand etiquette - that was worthy of an A+ and nothing less.
JT
Things got pretty heated from his end. Read it without cringing.
I would like to start this off by saying that this was one of very few dates I have been on since I was 15. I may have been a little rusty.
After being semi-forced to do this by my flat mates (I think they were trying to get me out of the house for once), I did a little too much pre-loading. I had scored some Zambuka from my parents and decided it was a good idea to drink them while I was on antibiotics. I’ve had a cold for ages.
I wish I could do the whole “I arrived and the bar and this happened” blah blah but I honestly remember a big fat fuck all. I remember what she looks like and man, was she hot. I swear passers by thought I was either getting dinner with my hot older sister or trying out for Beauty and the Geek. I don’t remember what the bartender looked like but I think Love is Blind code to say they were hot.
I can vaguely remember leaving the bar with the girl that become a 20 out of 10 with alcohol goggles on, we went to some other bars and then went back to my place. I’m sorry friend for making you pay - my bank account says I paid for many drinks though.
Anyway we hooked up at mine, things got pretty heated, and she stayed the night. I don’t kiss and tell with details so you weirdos can leave it to your imagination. Sadly, she didn’t hang around in the morning though. I had a fun night and hope she did too, but it’s pretty tragic to ditch and run. All is forgiven though my love. You were a beauty and we should catch up again sometime. Pass your number onto Critic and they can play matchmaker again.
I do not recommend that you guys mix flucloxacillin with alcohol.
Cheers Critic and Di Lusso