Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup.
Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email email@example.com. But be warned —if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Hers - Petunia
With a few cheeky Jager shots already down, my flatmates proceeded to drop me off at the Dog with Two Tails, where a tall, handsome, blonde (though somewhat balding) guy was waiting for me. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo was used almost instantaneously as we struggled to decide on a drink order – my main priority, as it was obvious I had come in hot and he had a long way to go to catch up.
After a delicious meal, a not so delicious cocktail, and a tequila shot (or three), I ended up striking a conversation with a lost looking woman sitting near by. Jackpot, she turned out to be a nude model for art classes. I immediately sensed a threesome potential, but alas my fellow date obviously did not, as not a single move was made by him all night. Poor clitoris.
At a loss of where to go next after the bar tab dried up, our nudist friend suggested a local art gallery showing, which we proceeded to head to (with a quick detour into a sports bar to satiate our curiosity as to whether darts was an Olympic sport, disclaimer they didn’t know either). Unfortunately this was already closed. So the three of us headed to Nova to enjoy a cone (unfortunately not of the green variety), donuts and crème brulee (thanks date for actually having money) before alas, we parted our ways and I ended my night, in bed, alone, with a tactical vom, waking up to a phone full of outgoing drunken calls (sorry tonsillitis boy).
Though my date may not quite have made the cut to make it onto my rotation, he seems like the type of gentleman you’d take home to meet the folks. Not quite what I was expecting on the critic blind date, and not quite what my thriving pussy was wanting, but a fun night nonetheless.
His - Vernon
After my first experience with the Critic's blind dating service, resulting in a mix up of my gender (Cheers Hugh), a few laughs and a great story I arrived at the Dog with Two Tails unsure of what lay ahead of me for the evening.
My date arrived, a few drinks ahead of me and she was quick to let me know she was smart, pretty and humble but was also polite enough to ask some things about myself. As we quickly worked our way through the bar tab and conversation deepened and we enjoyed an array of drinks we mutually agreed to upgrade her status to beautiful, intelligent and humble. As much as we were enjoying our evening it was brightened up more when my date made a new friend while I was in the bathroom.
The friend was waiting for Dave, a potential new flat mate when my beautiful, intelligent and humble date used those attributes of hers to gain us a third wheel. Qualified as an archeologist, our new friend possess a wide ranging working profile including her current job as a nude model for artists.
Finishing the evening off sharing a Nova cone with my dates was more than I had anticipated after my first experience with the Critic service. Thanks to dates and the critic for the great evening, and also to Mark, my original date for keeping my expectations low.