Archive

Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends

Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...

Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 20

Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 20

Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions   Yes.   Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 19

Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous.   The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...

Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”

Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...

Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...