Interview: Francisco Hernandez
Lame Duck President
Sam: So, the end of an era.
Fran: Itís not the end of an era. I think you can just see me as a continuation of the Logan Edgar era, because I was a Scarfie like him.
No, Iím kidding. Iím quite different from Logan.
In what way?
In every way. Iím the complete fucking opposite. Heís white, Iím brown. He was a Scarfie, Iím a nerd.
So youíre about to start your lame-duck period. Any big plans?
Just quacking pointlessly in my office. If I get elected to the DCC Iím planning to cut my term short; thereís no point stuffing around here when Iíve got a new president potentially ready to take over. So I will go early if I get elected to the DCC, probably a month early.
What would you say is your greatest achievement as president?
Thatís like asking me who my favourite son is.
You donít have any sons. Are you saying you have no achievements?
Itís a metaphor. My children are the taonga that I pass on to the next generation. You know?
I think my biggest achievement was probably Ö I donít know, what would you say my biggest achievement is?
Probably succession planning, leaving a strong field of presidential candidates behind.
Yeah, grooming the next generation of leadership. That was all planned.
I dunno, I think my biggest achievement was probably the Memorandum of Understanding with the Dunedin City Council. Thatís the first such agreement between a studentsí association and a local body. There isnít anything like that anywhere else in the world, and I was the first to get it done. Second biggest achievement is probably the tertiary student bus discount. People have been trying to do that for ages; Iím the one who got it done. Cheap food on campus, people have been whining about it for ages. Mine was the Exec that got it done. I think overall my Exec has been quite progressive and visionary about getting stuff done, whereas other people just piss and moan and complain about it.
What was your biggest fuck-up this year?
Probably the governance review. I fucking hated that. Governance reviews are like the graveyard of student politicians. Ö Theyíre useful, and they tell you some important things, but the process of actually doing is extremely painful. Itís like getting circumcised without anaesthesia, and Iíve done that, so I know. I actually have, and itís a similar sort of Ö you canít see whatís going on, you know itís painful, and youíre supposed to have drugs to keep you sedated but itís not working properly.
This is making me really uncomfortable, so letís move on to the next question. How many OUSA sex scandals have there been under your watch?
None. I havenít had sex while Iíve been President. I canít think of anyone whoís had sex this year. With each other, that is. On the Executive.
Who is the most interesting person to insult you this year and what did they say about you?
There was that guy who called me ďHitlerĒ Hernandez earlier in the year because he couldnít buy a ticket to Netsky. Okay, officially not allowing people to buy tickets to a popular Belgian act is like committing genocide against six million Jews.
OUSA election stock has been hitting the top of iPredictís most-traded list. How would you rank this in the canon of great OUSA moments?
Itís probably the best thing thatís ever happened Ė after all the things that Iíve done. Itís given us profile all over the country, and itís given us the chance to engage in rampant insider speculation. Why do you think I do all those Facebook posts, Sam? Because Iím bored? No, itís because I have stocks on iPredict. Every time I do one of those posts the market moves in the direction I want it to move. I donít just do it because Iím bored, I do it because Iím getting money out of it. Who do you think asked iPredict to put those stocks there? Why do you think that person asked for those stocks to be placed there?
This is all on the record.
Iím taking the piss, by the way. Thatís also on the record, so you have to print that.
Interviews can be abridged. How long do you think it will be until you end up on the back bench of a Labour opposition?
Well, I think you have to consider the fact that Iím focused on serving my constituents. I donít have any other plans other than to be a good councillor if I do get elected, or be a good NZUSA president if I get that job, or be a good priest I become a priest.
Iím not the sort of person who, like, goes along with a plan, you know, just wanting to be a backbench MP. Itís not like that; I just want to serve the people. Iím not just using the positions Iíve gained as some sort of ladder to advance myself. That would be wrong. But by 2020 would be my guess, if I were that sort of person. Which Iím not.
Shoot, shag, or marry Ė Logan Edgar, Zac Gawn, Ryan Edgar?
Iíd probably shag Ryan. Iíd shoot Zac. Iíd marry Logan, because Logan and I have a constructive partnership. Iím most familiar with him and I understand him the most as a person. Ryan is probably the most attractive out of all of them. Iím not gay, but objectively speaking, he is the most attractive out of the three of them. And Iíd shoot Zac because I have iPredict stock and Iím betting against him, so if he dies that stock gets voided and Ruby gets elected. Itís nothing personal, itís just money.