Everyone knows that your current outfit and legal name can predict your susceptibility to viruses, so here’s a quick and easy way to forecast the future of your immune system.
Colour of Your Top + Star sign + Third letter of first name = How you got Covid
Colour of the top you’re wearing now
Blue - Over the weekend,
Green - Last night at 11:30,
White - Early this morning,
Black - At precisely 4:20 yesterday,
Grey - In two hours,
Yellow - A week from now,
Purple - Last year,
Pink - Directly after your next breakup,
Red - The moment you realise you’ve already peaked in life,
Orange - Precisely four months and two days before you develop IBS,
Brown - At some point, who knows, whatever,
Other - Tonight,
Your Star Sign
Aries - At the beach
Taurus - At a Castle St party
Gemini - At church
Cancer - At your partner's flat
Leo - In the KFC drive-thru
Virgo - At the supermarket
Libra - On a Tinder date
Scorpio - At the Octagon protest
Sagittarius - In the St. Dave’s toilets
Capricorn - At a BYO
Aquarius - In the mall
Pisces - At an irresponsible rager
The Third Letter in Your First Name
A - After sharing a line.
B - From a blanket your ill flatmate had been using.
C - After you licked all the nearby doorknobs.
D - When an anti-vaxxer coughed on you.
E - After getting oral from a stranger.
F - Directly from Mayor Aaron Hawkins.
G - From the joysticks in Timezone.
H - Ironically, from the lady that swabbed your nose.
I - From the bong that got passed around.
J - From one of the many, many mouths you were inside.
K - After handling an infected Bible at church, Matthew 10:8.
L - During a very loud and spit-filled breakup.
M - Making out with your ex.
N - Hooning on your mate’s vape.
O - Intentionally, by hoovering up the air around anyone that looked ill.
P - From that really sweaty dude dancing right next to you.
Q - When that person you'd been eyeing up offered you some of their drink.
R - Because The Lord told you to.
S - Because you had to quickly swap outfits with someone to escape the cops and it turns out they had Covid.
T - When you finished off all the wounded soldiers.
U - During a karaoke duet (My Way, Frank Sinatra).
V - From some filthy double-dipper.
W - To win a bet.
X - Because of a prank.
Y - From an infected Kea (it made national news).
Z - From Clark Gayford.