There are some things we have come to expect from our OUSA presidents. Campaining on the promise of a student bar, not delivering a student bar. That's about it honestly. What we did not expect however... was this.
Sources (one suspicious email with a portfolio of equally suspicious high-res JPEGs) have informed Critic Te Ārohi that OUSA President Liam White may be using student funds to launch his side hustle as an underwear model. We knew the Exec didn’t pay well, but we didn’t realise things were this desperate.
It started when an anonymous tip landed in our inbox at 2:32pm on a Tuesday afternoon while Critic staff were heavily sampling drinks for that week's Booze Review. The subject line caught our attention immediately: “Not to be dramatic but I think Liam is stealing from OUSA to become an underwear model???” Attached: a folder titled “Evidence - beware - it’s STEAMY”.
Inside were a series of well-lit, risqué shots of Liam in various states of undress. One photo has him posing on a cliff with Critics covering himself in a strategic way to ‘keep him decent’, with a look that says, “I’m ready to restructure the whole Exec and you can't do anything about it.” Honestly? Kinda awesome. But legally? Maybe not so much.
Word on the street is Liam has been siphoning money from the Media and Advertisement sections of the OUSA budget to fund these elaborate shoots, sending professional portfolios to modeling agencies across the country. The funds are also necessary for the behind-the-scenes to maintain a physique that’ll make you whisper an involuntary “daddy”, paying for a personal chef and F45 membership. And the inspiration for this thirst-driven spending spree? Robert Irwin. Yes, the Bonds campaign. Robert Irwin’s influence on Mr President extends beyond just his outback Hyde costume, it seems.
According to a member of the Exec (who requested anonymity but is 100% for this career change from their boss), Liam saw the campaign and spiralled. “He started saying stuff like ‘Robert Irwin can do it and he hasn't even fought Mr No Confidence, let alone won”, they told Critic, referring to Liam’s uncontested campaign for president last year where his only opponent was the ‘no confidence’ check-box. “At first we thought it was a bit, but then he showed up to a meeting with Grant Robertson in his gym gear and we knew it was real,” said our anonymous source. Liam has allegedly referred to the pivot as “radically transparent,” insisting that the student body “deserves to see the body behind the policy”.
Critic photographer Kevin Wang was roped into the situation. “Liam pretty much threatened my job. He said, ‘I’m your boss's boss, so you have to give me a discount, otherwise Critic is getting the chop.’ That was pretty scary.” As Critic’s in-house photographer Kevin has seen some things in his time, so he was unfazed when Liam made a comment while posing in his underwear with a sequin covered snake: “There's two snakes in these photos.” With that being said, Liam has now been accused of embezzlement, intimidation, and crimes against a sparkly snake called Boris.
The famously frugal President Liam is sparing no expense in order to further his career, with Finance Officer and scam victim Daniel Leamy reportedly “deeply distressed” after noticing several lines of budget being reclassified as “strategic public relations initiatives”. So what is Liam sinking into this venture? Critic acquired a photo from our anonymous source – taken moments before golden hour at Smaills Beach – and got zooming and Googling. We clocked a $65.99 plush 2.5 metre snake, $45 vintage Ralph Lauren boxers and a one-of-a-kind OUSA banner (priceless). Not to mention the cost of petrol to Smaills and back, that's at least $250 all together. While we cannot confirm whether OUSA funds actually purchased the glitter body oil used in the beach shoot, what we can say is this – no president has ever pushed for transparency quite like Liam. If this truly is a campaign for more student engagement, it's certainly a unique way to go about it.
A staff member at Clubs and Socs told Critic, “We were meant to get a new gym for rec classes, however all we have ended up with is a new set of dumbbells and a mirror with a sticker that says ‘Believe in yourself, Liam’.” Meanwhile, Liam has been floating the idea around the Exec to install pokies machines in U-Bar “to generate student-led revenue streams”. However, the majority of Exec members suspect the real reason is to fund his mounting personal costs, including the carnivore diet and a subscription to Men’s Health under the name “L. White, Model/President.”
When shown the images of their president, two second- year students, Lisa and Dane, shared looks of confusion. “You mean our money is going towards this?” Lisa questioned, while Dane complimented Liam’s posing, “He really knows how to work what he's got”. Other students commented, “Surely Critic puts out a calendar with these images, maybe that can fund their book”, “Wait who is he?,” and “This is the guy everyone thinks is gonna be prime minister one day!”
At the time of publication, Liam has not responded to Critic’s request for comment, no matter how many times we’ve emailed, reached out to his family members, and even knocked on his front door. That being said, he did post an Instagram story with the caption “They hate me cause they ain't me #lonelyatthetop” with the link to what appears to be his newly created OnlyFans account. Whether this is a cry for help, the spray tan fumes have gone to his head, or he really thinks starting an OnlyFans will get OUSA out of the hole, remains to be seen. Stay tuned as we investigate further. Because while student democracy might be dead, Liam’s glutes are very much alive.