Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup.
Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email email@example.com. But be warned —if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Hers - Becky
Two hours before the date I was hit with the message “hahahahaha are you keen to head on a Critic Blind Date tonight with a strapping young man, free piss and food?!” I thought hell fucking yeah I am and spent an hour before loading up on food so I could drink the bar tab dry. I walked in late and introduced myself, he looked up at me with his half cut eyes and says “Hi, I’m Wavid” I go in for the hug and he goes in for the handshake - nice move Wavid. I could tell he had already downed a few before he came with the aroma of a bong leaking from his top.
I sat down and we started small chat on how this blind date came about for both of us, not long in he interrupts me to ask, “sorry, what’s your name again?” 30 minutes through he decides it is time for a durry break… don’t worry he offered me one. He seemed more excited than me about the Wilkinson concert later that night and asked to come along with me so I thought it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to invite him along. He then thought it was time to go but I wasn’t prepared to leave without the rest of the wine so he helped me out and shoved the half bottle of wine down the back of his pants and we walked on out.
By the time we left I could feel the savs wanting to leave my bladder and I made a run for it into the subway toilets. It was a very entertaining walk to North D as we made a couple of stops along the way including one outside the Dental School where he started coming in real hot with the “we should just hook up ay”. Sorry for all of you waiting for this moment but we didn’t “hook up ay”. Instead he got a photo of us together as a souvenir of the night instead of my saliva. I think his intoxication levels were slightly higher than mine and so I made a classic excuse to get me out of the situation. SorryWavid.
All in all, great night and great date. Managed to get the Facebook add the next day so he can’t be too mad at me. Thanks Critic!
His - David
The night began similar to all others, not the fact that I was about to go on the date, but the fact that I sat on my lonesome with a box of frothies and a few miscellaneous yumyums. On conclusion of these wets, I began my 100-meter venture from my flat situated around the corner. After a quick piss outside the center city mini mart I arrived at the dog with two tails.
In walked my date, and although my sight was critically altered, hells bells these three girls were pretty. The drinks started to flow and so did the chat. She was easygoing and very easy to talk to. After we had learned a bit more about each other she told me she was going to Wilkinson who was playing that night. I was really keen to go too so I frantically started looking for a ticket. She then ordered some whiskey to finish the tab.
On the walk back to hers I found out the extremely upsetting news that she was seeing someone else. I was a little confused as to why she would go on the date but at this point I was severely pissed and on a mission. Once we got to her flat she ditched. Or did I? That whole part is blurry. I followed her flatmates around like a bad smell desperately trying to get a ride into town.
All of a sudden I was in town, I believe it was macs bar. A keen fresher spotted me across the room, her friend had just pulled so she was looking for someone. Took her back to mine and ended my dry spell.
All round she was a really nice and pretty girl, my date that is. Had a mint night, cheers for coming!