Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.
If this sounds like you, email firstname.lastname@example.org. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.
Wham, bam, thank you, Ma’am.
I applied for this gig many months ago, so I was chomping at the bit when I got the call to go on the date last Wednesday night. I turned up to Di Lusso relatively steamed, as one would expect for a blind date, but cognitive enough to string a number of seductive sentences together.
We got talking and I couldn’t stop thinking about how hot she was and had to tell my “little friend” to settle down - his time will come. We didn’t eat any of the platter so we gave it to a group of lads at the table next to us and set to work making the best use of the bar tab. The cocktails were sublime, and to ensure the night continued, I added another $50 to the tab.
The chat flowed well and we were lucky enough to get a few laughs from the lad of a bartender that exploded my first cocktail and spilt blood in my second … Coincidently, we both needed to go to the toilet at the same time so it seemed like a satisfactory place to have the first round of fun for the night.
Yes, you heard me... the first. The second took place in the toilet of a fast food chain that, fortuitously, we both work for. And the third, well I found out she liked to travel the world. So I decided it was only fair enough that one of my lucky flatmates and I show her the real Eiffel Tower ... if you know what I mean.
All in all, a successful night. Thanks Di Lusso and Critic.
Those who troll together, roll together.
In preparation for the big night, my flatmates ensured I had a couple of drinks, which I didn’t mind as I had just submitted a huge assignment that morning. Although I suppose the preparation had started a wee bit earlier with my wax appointment earlier that afternoon (you just never know). I rocked up to Di Lusso a little late with my date arriving a few minutes after me.
My first thoughts on seeing him were:
- Do I need more liquid courage?
- Three buttons were undone - what a dickhead
- He’s hot
We introduced ourselves and immediately discovered we were both here to make use of the bar tab – he even put an extra 50 bucks on it (what an absolute GC). As we stared deeply, and more deeply, and yet more deeply into each other’s eyes, the feelings grew.
After a few drinks down I went to the bathroom and to my surprise (not really a surprise, I mean he had three buttons undone), he followed me. With one thing leading to another, this lead to us showing love the way dogs do. With hormones at a high we decided to spend the rest of our bar tab on shots and off back to his flat we went.
With my classiness levels already out the door, we decided to do round two in a fast food bathroom. Then we were back on the journey to his flat. When we arrived, his flattie kept the chat going with a few more beverages. Feeling hungry, it is only fair to say that by the end of the night my mouth was full with both guys happy to play chef. All and all my dignity is gone, but I managed to tick one thing off my bucket list thanks to the help of the brilliant team at Di Lusso and Critic.
So if my degree doesn’t get me anywhere, I can happily say my time at the University of Otago helped me to achieve one thing that the grandkids don’t need to know about.