Love is Blind | Issue 20

Love is Blind | Issue 20

Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.

If this sounds like you, email But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.

Alice in Underpants

A frisky law student who had a successful night.

shots of tequila saw me through the three minute walk to Di Lusso, where my fresh faced cutie of a date was patiently waiting. A fellow law student, plus a Rick & Morty fan; I was smitten. Despite not agreeing on baby names, we were otherwise the proverbial house on fire. The other patrons obviously thought so too - after exhausting the bar tab, we left to an unexpected round of applause.

Adventure now called as he gallantly agreed to indulge my rather childish demand. A pitstop pash at mine and two skateboards later, we set off into the streets. Ploughing down Stuart Street, the last long island iced tea getting well acquainted with my bloodstream, the night looked hazily promising.

We wound up in the industrial area with all limbs still intact, frisky with adrenaline. Sexual tension was high, but we weren’t in the most accommodating of locations. Logs, warehouses and train tracks just about summarised our surroundings. Luckily, the bae was full of kiwi ingenuity. Pointing out a nearby silo, he threw me over the barbed wire fence and up we went. Banging on top of a tank … not the cushiest of settings, but this was made up for in excitement, plus the brilliant views over Dunedin’s harbour. My inner exhibitionist was fizzing. Tempting as it was to see out the night atop our steel castle, the rain lost its romance pretty quickly.

So, the night ended in Maccas. Our outdoor pursuits had left us hungry. By this time, I was on the verge of passing out into my nuggets, so my date escorted me in a most chivalrous fashion back home. Safe to say I didn’t make it to work the next morning, but can certainly tick a few things off my bucket list. Thanks for a wild night Critic!

Agent Cody Swanks

Couldn’t give up Tinder for one night?

Not gonna lie, my mate really threw me under the bus on this one. I had fuck all time to prepare myself and shave my pubes (finally an occasion to do so), and sunk some bourbons. 

After a lot of coaxing from a blind date veteran, I managed to turn up bang on time to be the “gentleman” that I really wasn’t. To be honest, I didn’t even notice her walk in, as I was too busy swiping on Tinder (just in case).

As soon as she sat down though, I was ogling her hard and popped a semi. We actually hit it off really well, both taking the same subjects, our love for hip-hop, and being half Asian. As I was steadily tucking into the beers, I noticed her slowing down; it seemed to be hitting her worse than me. Somehow, through no doing of my own, we got onto the topic of sex. It turned out, she had always dreamt of having a younger guy and discreetly filming it for shits and gigs. “I’ve bloody struck gold” I thought to myself and quickly text the boys and told them I was gonna be balls deep within the hour. 

Spending far too much time there, we stumbled our way out of Di Lussio, grabbed some skateboards (which was hella stupid) and slowly made our way to the industrial area, where she mentioned the prospect of butt stuff under the night sky. Pushing our luck, we climbed a fence onto a silo, and made the beast with two backs for at least 1.5 minutes - the cold steel of the silo providing no give or romance.

We were pretty smashed by this point, and shot off to get Maccas. I wanted to cut some sick shapes on the d-floor but she was fucked at this point so I just dropped her off home and reluctantly called it a night. 

10/10 Critic would do again.

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2015.
Posted 2:55pm Sunday 16th August 2015 by Lovebirds.