AugustusI went into the Critic blind date expecting to get lucky. I was sadly disappointed. I started my Thursday night with a few brews at the flat; a bit of liquid lubrication was definitely in order for my night ahead. The flatties gave me some pretty choice advice and stopped me from wearing my Adventure Time t-shirt, but I’m still not sure why.
I made my way into Di Lusso, and as I was the first to arrive, I took a seat in front of the fire and waited for my date to show her face. When she walked in the door I greeted her by using my sex voice, hoping to entice her into our evening of pleasure. She gave me a hug and then sat next to me on the couch. I wasn’t expecting her to be so forward.
We started the night with a couple of Red Bull and vodkas and as I felt the drink go to my head our conversation started to flow. I don’t remember much about what she studied, just that her classes sucked and she was ready to forget about them for the night. I was fine to move the conversation onto me, and as I told her about my snake-skin collection and my interest in prog-rock our food order arrived. We had the sliders platter and after skulling back some cider I fed her one of the burgers.
As I put the juicy beef in her mouth, sauce was dripping down my fingers and I was ready for action! I leaned over for a titty grab but got a slap instead. Don’t get me wrong, this chick was hot, but I was ready for some action! As the night started coming to an end I jumped on Tinder and started swiping right; I matched with a few babes in the area and managed to convince one to meet me at mine in 20.
We walked out of Di Lusso together and I tried to give my date a cheeky pash, which failed almost instantly. She gave me a firm handshake and we went our separate ways.
HazelAfter a failed year of romance so far, and a serious lack of attractive people in my small 15-person class, I decided to take the plunge and go on the Critic blind date. Being university holidays and the middle of winter I was slightly afraid of what creature may be lurking in the shadows, but regardless I knew it’d be free food, free drinks and a fun story at the end.
I arrived second and spotted a tall gentleman sitting in the corner, who greeted me with an unusually low voice and a firm handshake. I had a sneaking suspicion I knew him from somewhere but couldn’t quite place him. We got onto work and study and he told me he had a passion for baking and was considering moving to Timaru to pursue this. I know what you’re thinking, right: “dream big!” He showed little interest in what I had to say and seemed to take every opportunity to turn it into a story about himself.
After both downing a vodka and Red Bull (personally, I needed it to stay awake), the platter of sliders was looking pretty appetising. He insisted on feeding one of the beef ones to me and I reluctantly obliged. He made this disturbing slurping sound as he licked sauce off his fingers and I was instantly regretting our food choice. Here’s a hot tip for you future date-goers: order something that you can eat gracefully and isn’t going to be an invitation for innuendos and general weirdness.
As the night went on I became more and more convinced that this guy was one of my flatmate’s Tinder-gone-wrong stories. I recognised him from the photos and she’d told me about his obsession with snakes and the various bad pick-up lines that followed. Towards the end I caught him repeatedly sliding right on his phone, and decided I was officially done. He walked me outside and there was that awkward linger where you’re thinking, “Dear God, I hope he doesn’t try to kiss me.” Lo and behold he leant in, but I ended the date on a handshake and returned to the comfort of my flat.