Love Is Blind | Issue 01

Love Is Blind | Issue 01

Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email or FB message us. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.


The day started like any other: my flat mates and I began having a few drinks in the middle of the afternoon. I was looking forward to free food and drinks before hitting town later in the night. After five minutes prep, I was walking to Di Lusso in the pouring rain. My date had arrived just before me and was looking a little bit nervous. We started off with a couple of shots of cock-sucking cowboys and sat down to begin asking questions about the basics: who; what; where; how; and why? She had a fair selection of tats along her arms –13 altogether in total, apparently. A whole 13 more than myself, I might add. She was quite attractive, mind you; she looked good in what she was wearing and had a good figure (she kept saying it took her three hours to get ready and, credit where credit is due, it was three hours well spent).

After more light discussion – and drinking, of course – our platter finally showed up. Turns out she lives on my street and is a friend of a friend. (Great match making, Critic! Sort of ruins the total anonymity blind dates are meant to have, doesn’t it?) Soon the discussion turned far more intellectual than what I was expecting. She did look the part. To know what was actually happening in the Middle East, for example, is impressive – most “intellectuals” I know don’t have a clue about what is going on there, let alone anywhere else in the world.

After a few more shots and finishing our drinks we started to head home. She pulled a cigarette as soon as we got outside, but I’m not a fan at all of the smell, so that is always a major turn off. I’m going to say she walked me home – being on the same street and all – since we passed my place first. Overall, I’d give the date 5/10 but I did love the setting of Di Lusso and the awesome staff there! Thanks again!


Now, my love life has been close to a joke in the last three years. So, naturally, I found myself pretty excited. I spent all day in preparation.

After arriving early and having a quick chat to the bartender I admitted to myself that I was actually quite nervous. With the to-be-expected awkward introductions out of the way – and a shot together – we sat down at a table by the window.

First impressions are often wrong but I think I was pretty spot-on with this one. I could tell from looking at the kid that he was a bit of a nerd. And I was right. To cut a long story short, he was about as far from my type as possible (and looked freakishly like my brother).

Anyway, he told me about his hobbies and interests while I blabbed on about tattoos (because that’s basically all I could think about). I could tell he wasn’t impressed with my stories regarding all my new ink. To add to this, I don’t usually drink, and after a nine-month stint sober, it turns out I don’t handle my alcohol like the champ I once was. I must have spent 90 per cent of the time staring out the window blanking out while he talked and I pretended to listen. Eventually I said I would like to leave because – well, to be brutally honest – I was bored shitless. I gathered my things and we headed on our way.

To my delight, it turned out he lived on the same street as me, just a few houses down, so we walked home together in the rain. How romantic. We got to his door and he invited me – like a gentlemen, I might add – to go out drinking in town that night. I said I would get in contact. We shared a hug, a goodbye and then I was on my way.

Needless to say, I won’t be seeing him again. I ended up getting a taxi to a “friend’s” house for the night. Sorry, kid. Better luck on your next date.
This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2014.
Posted 6:57pm Sunday 23rd February 2014 by Lovebirds.