Me Love You Long Time | Issue 4

Me Love You Long Time | Issue 4

Dunedin is renowned for many things, but its dating scene is not one of them. Getting boozed and pashing people on the dance floor is hardly anyone’s idea of romance, so Critic wants to sort you out. Every week we’re sending two loveless loners on a blind date to Tokyo Gardens (with a bottle of wine to ease things along of course) to see if we can make some sparks fly. If you want in on the action, email critic@critic.co.nz.

Marie

I didn’t get much sleep last night.

I’ve got to admit, I was apprehensive coming into this, not sure if my date would be out of his head or if it would be severely awkward. Fortunately he wasn’t and it wasn’t, even though I think we far transcended the socially acceptable level of weird on any date ever.

We started by talking about those predetermined topics of music, Uni and literature, during which I lied about my course in the vogue of the time and he was stunned into silence by my knowledge of semi-obscure things like acapella metal and the Ranger’s Apprentice series. From there the conversation diverted into comedians, weaponry and the fact that we’d each designed an almost identical dragon tattoo. I can honestly say I never thought that I’d bring up throwing knives on a first date, or be greeted with awe for it.

After being first reminded to order and then reminded to leave by the lovely staff, we took a walk through the picturesque streets of Dunedin, learning along the way that he had been listening to music that I’d had stuck in my head the day before. Please Critic, tell me that the omniscient Howie put us together and that I hadn’t been followed for a week, because otherwise I’m very fucking scared.

Through the utter mindlessness of the evening we managed to walk up two streets and a rather steep hill we had no reason to be on before making it back to my place. From there it got weirder – far from the evenings of debauchery that my predecessors experienced, we watched an impressive repertoire of the more disturbing videos on YouTube before discovering that we even have the same phone. Seriously Critic, what the fuck?

After being subjected to one of my friends on Skype (who wants to keep him as a pet) and watching me play Minecraft, we started to compare scars, both physical and mental. The night ended with us trying (and failing miserably) to get to sleep in my pathetically tiny bed. Somehow nothing sexual happened, in spite of a distinct lack of clothing, and I am ever so slightly confused by the whole experience.

I guess awesome just attracts awesome.

Pierre

Well the night started off pretty awesome by listening to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical of “Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat”. As I approached the restaurant perfectly on time (and dead sober), nerves started to kick in … but my iPod came to the rescue and chucked on “The Final Countdown”. Awesomeness level was set. After a bit of a wait, and half a bottle of wine later, my date arrived looking rather stunning. I introduced myself and went through the usual questions; things ran rather smoothly as we realised that we had quite a bit in common. It turned out that not only was my date rather good looking, but also fucking awesome.

She managed to strike me speechless not just once, but a grand total of six times. Now to have me speechless is a feat-and-a-half in itself; but to do it six times, well I figured awesomeness was bound to follow. After discovering we liked the same obscure books (mainly Ranger’s Apprentice and Hitchhikers) and finding out she knew how to throw knives, my excitement at the awesomeness was getting difficult to contain. Then she managed to blow my mind even further as she described pretty much the exact tattoo design I had once planned for myself. Upon the discovery of all these similarities we decided that Howie had been stalking us and decided we should go on a blind date.

This then led into a conversation about Howie’s violent tendencies, and an off-hand comment about being careful not to catch “Gingervitis”. This unearthed yet another mind-blowing fact: She knew of Tim Minchin. Anyway – after all the accumulated awesomeness of the night, and realising we should probably leave the restaurant, we headed back towards our dwellings. However, due to a slight lack of communication, we managed to climb a couple of hills that we had no need to climb, then finally made it back to her flat. After a decent Skype chat with her bestie (and them asking if they could keep me), the night finally wound down to crashing at hers. In other words an awesome night was had by all and a second date is definitely on the cards. Cheers , if I had a hat, I would most definitely take it off to you.
This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2012.
Posted 4:27pm Sunday 18th March 2012 by Lovebirds.