Me Love You Long Time | Issue 21

Me Love You Long Time | Issue 21

None of you read this anyway. It’s just that little weird standfirst bit above the action below. But anyway ... The Blind Date has been at Metro bar for the last few weeks, and it sounds like they’ve been puttin on quite a show. Great feed, good drinks, excellent service etc etc. If you want in on the action, email with your details. This week, Critic set up four lucky punters on a double date.

Ross and Chandler

Double the allowed expense for piss, double the box gaps to gaze upon, double the chances of getting thee old tip wet, potench sneaky wristy or even a sly gobby. Double date, how ya goin! Great day to celebrate really, free beers, free food and that sneaky fuckin Belarusian Ostapchuk got sussed out for being half a man or (Jake from 2 and a half men).

The boy’s were in fine form after downing the 7th speights stubby at the flat. Before we got ready to roll out, we got fresh to death yo. Contemplating rocking shneans to combat the shitty weather and its abundance of puddles, we thought practically and threw down a jeans and shirt.

As the fine gentlemen we are, we rocked up to Metro early to slay the bar tab and wait in advance to ‘escort’ the ladies to our table. During the wait, the contingents of people passing by were predominantly males. My gluts feared the onset of an attack by the same gender. Perhaps we had been set up on a double date with bum pirates? I prayed for my anal virginity to be safe. Unfortunately the plan of attack was unsuccessful. The sheelas were half an hour late, and the bottle in our hands prevented us from pulling a chair out.

Finally they came in through the door. Smoking hot, sizzling a real sight for sore eyes. God I could have made love to them right then and there on the dinner table, left and would have slept like a baby that night. The aroma was as good as the big man himself must of felt blowing his load all over mother Mary while she was roofied that one time at bandcamp. I stared up their curves, delusion was setting in and our mouth’s were watering. We thought to ourselves fuck it and went straight in with a full fist getting cheese everywhere. Not even a womans book club reading of 50 shades of grey followed by a screening of magic mike could describe the pleasure, lust and connection that we felt in that moment…The pizza’s were absolutely divine.

As for the girls they were great company too, offering some good chat and were a lovely compliment to the already spectacular food and overall the night was a great time enjoyed by all. But truly jokes aside thank you girls for putting up with us and being great sports. We have to thank the Critic and Metro for the opportunity to take part in their blind dating services we couldn’t have done it without you. Chur to the chur cousins.

Rachel and Monica

After a couple of gins we made our way to where we thought our dates would be! However this old mother cupboard and her fucking cupboard forgot that we were heading to metro not malbas, so we sprinted off towards metro in hope that our dates hadn’t drained all the bar tab on booze and food.

After having a meet and greet we got some drinks and some delicious pizza. We got through all the usual chit chat about bla bla bla. I wandered downstairs in hope of trying to knick some unattended bottles, but all I saw was the other guys bum as I watched him peeing. I’ll tell you it was the highlight of my night so far. I realized that I had left my friend unattended upstairs and was hoping that she would not scare the man away. Thankfully she had managed to control herself.

Feeling a very drunk we decided to head off to the little Mexican restaurant which was unfortunately closed. But we ended up playing games with two boxes on the way to McDonalds....those boys were rough and dirty, they pushed me down and would not get off! wink wink. Hands up skirts and all sorts! After a bit of hanky panky old McDonald had a farm. We pushed them round in little prams and then they got punished for being naughty boys. We eventually got some yummy food to crave our drunk hunger.

Wanting to go a little bit further we headed back to the skanky parts of octy, where we went and played some naughty games in the dark corners of the cinema. Laughing and giggling we randomly started dancing in the moonlight and in the rain!

Soaking wet in every place possible ;) we cuddled in the day and night and got caught on camera! Holding hands we drifted on over to the Craic were we proceeded to get more wine, but the boys declined! Maybe we were too gone, but we didn’t care.

My friend was in a frisky mood and her hands were on everyones legs. Blimey even I was surprised! We were in no hurry to end the night but we let them drop us off as we had declined their invitation to the rape dungeon with that bloody C**T alf stewart.

Thanks Critic and Metro for an interesting night! Some good food and free booze! What up
This article first appeared in Issue 21, 2012.
Posted 4:26pm Sunday 19th August 2012 by Lovebirds.