Me Love You Long Time | Issue 27

Me Love You Long Time | Issue 27

Well shit kids, it’s been a good ride, but this is the last Critic Blind Date of the year. We’ve got some people laid, had some very popular lesbian shenanigans, and created some of North Ds most awakward moments of 2012. To end things with a bang we had six guys and six girls speed date, and if they picked each other at the end, they won the bar tab. And lastly, a massive thanks to Metro for their support. They’re totes classy.


I originally opted to go on this blind date for a bit of chat and to neck a few brewskis, but more importantly to find the love of my life. The butter to my bread. The wizard to my stick. I didn’t expect what actually happened at all though.

To make the night a wee bit more thrilling, I pre-loaded with some Flame, and by the moment I stepped into Metro I was in a good mood. My mate Millsy dropped me off, but we were a bit late due to a traffic jam. I knew there was a twist, but was slightly relieved to hear that 5 other guys and me would be speed dating with a flat of 6 girls. More girls, you see. The girls were quite hot actually; I was pretty keen for a root. After meeting the girls, we had to choose the one we wanted to date and also win the bar tab, which was something I was very keen on doing. The last girl and I had been eye-fucking all night, plus she seemed like a good bitch, so she was my choice. I was her choice too!!! Us plus two others received the bar tab, but we shared it between the group to make the night better.

It actually got pretty loose after that, everyone started getting juiced and before you know it one of the girls has pashed two of the guys, making them one of the hundreds of North Dunedin boys who has got with her. We then went to the Cook to partake in usual Cook antics; jugs, durries, dancing, and more durries. I particularly enjoyed hearing about the girls’ sexual experiences, they seemed, um, experienced. The girls had been hinting that we should go back to their flat for some more beers, which is exactly what we did. Who would have thought I would wind up staying the night! (skukky ae?). We had begun pashing on the way back from the Cook on a car, and went with it when she said I could stay the night there. We had a few yarns, did some jousting, and the rest I’ll keep to myself (yeye).

The morning was pretty awkward, but we wound up exchanging numbers, and I just Facebook messaged her saying “where?” All in all, I had an epic time, and would like to thank you Critic for the opportunity. Who knows, maybe she will be the love of my life ;) Get up the Stags and the Versus.


We began the night with Nicki Minaj’s routine bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle, preparing for what the evening had in store. Tonight our flat would be speed dating six of Dunedin’s finest! What the lads didn’t know was that we would be taking on the personas of un-dateable females. The aim was NightmareDates101. We had: the feminist (in costume), the daydreamer giving creepy compliments, the desperate PDA chick uncontrollably giggling, the chick who’s not over her ex and disagrees with everything, the chick who dates guys by a checklist, and the chick reciting poetry with an accent, who has a blotchy fake-tanned “nutella” face.

We observed the lads as they came in. One of the plonkers was wearing sunglasses on his head – apparently he forgot they were there. This “plonker” then went on to dig himself into a bigger hole by claiming he was third year law, which we later find out was his definition of repeating first year three times. We went around the world in a night with a valiant and dapper Scotsman, “little America” in a suit with an Irish accent, the OUSA President, a dreamy musician, and a Castle St local with a moustache. We picked who we would date, then those who had picked each other shared the bar tab.

We may never fully comprehend the unusual things that occurred over the next few hours. We made it to The Cook, where the night began to spiral out of control. Eight jugs down we all had a dance with a partner, starting a sex pit that looked something like a steamy scene out of Dirty Dancing, until some P fiend decided to join in. One lucky flatmate got with half the dates (peer pressure pash), including getting down and dirty in true “Frangnam” style (at the speed date itself). She will now only be referred to as the “First Lady”. The chat got weirder as “never have I ever” revealed questionable things about the lads. Turns out we had the Scottish version of Chris Angel: Mindfreak on our hands. We moved the party to our flat where “nekk” level was reached.

All we know is that numbers and a great amount of saliva were exchanged. We’ve heard the Scotsman’s a decent pash. It’s likely we will be passing “SEX?” notes to the lads in the library in the near future.
This article first appeared in Issue 27, 2012.
Posted 5:59pm Sunday 7th October 2012 by Lovebirds.