Archive

The Conclusion to the Bed Sheet Wanker

Posted 9:09pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Owen Clarke

Read the mystery here   “Ass, you sneaky bugger,” you say, pointing. “You said you were stargazing, but there aren’t even any stars out tonight! It’s too cloudy!” “Fuck,” says Ass. He shrugs and kicks at the floor. “To be fair Read more...

The Scandal of the Bed Sheet Wanker

Posted 9:07pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Owen Clarke

It’s dark. The sun has set, and thick clouds obscure any light from the stars and moon above. Streetlights are being lit, horse drawn carriages are clacking across cobblestones, people are wearing dumbass wigs, and it smells like shit everywhere because, well, people are basically throwing Read more...

Don’t Fuck With Me! I Learned Kung Fu in a Shipping Container

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Owen Clarke

Shipping containers. “The melting pot of the human condition,” said Nietzsche. The “ultimate proving ground for the spirit of mankind,” said Kierkegaard. Or were both those quotes from my high school weed dealer, Big Steve, who lived in a shipping container himself? When I Read more...

For Those of Us Left Behind: How to Grieve

Posted 11:14pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Esme Hall

Content warning: suicide, Christchurch shooting     My best friend committed suicide in 2017. When I started working at Critic the following year, I wanted to write about grieving that irrevocable loss. I wanted to do something with my pain. Scrape it off me and mould it into Read more...

Is Hayward Haunted? An Investigation Based Purely on Rumour and Speculation

Posted 10:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Wyatt Ryder

It’s always been a difficult task to pin down a ghost. Developments in science and technology have led many people to believe that ghosts aren’t real. Despite this, rumours of spooky happenings still manage to spread throughout our society, and colleges are hotbeds of rumour. In a Read more...

The Most Pointless Phrasebook You’ll Ever Read

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Erin Gourley

None of these phrases will help you find a train station. But at least you’ll learn some Arabic slang, a few Cherokee phrases, and a selection of Japanese inspirational quotes.   German Er ist dumm wie Bohnenstroh. Pronunciation: Ur ist dumm vee Bor-nen-straw. He is as dumb Read more...

The Inside Job - The Conclusion

Posted 11:12pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Owen Clarke

“SLADE!” you bellow. “You said you’d been taking a hot shower for ages, but there was no fog on the mirror when I came inside. I remember, I threw myself finger guns in it!” Slade’s grimaces. “You shithead. You just had to get all snoopy, didn’t Read more...

The Inside Job

Posted 11:11pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Owen Clarke

The following tale details the events of a casual Sunday afternoon. You, the reader, have just returned from a relaxing cricket game with a delicious pizza when suddenly…. it goes missing. You must carefully utilize the clues given to deduce the suspect. Happy Read more...

The Critic Guide to Relaxing Around Campus

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Wyatt Ryder

The life of a student is a life of stress. Countless classes, assignments and exams will all get the better of us sooner or later. Things are hard sometimes. That’s why you deserve to take a minute to sit with your friends and kick back. There are lots of places around Uni that can help you Read more...

The Best Vape Spots Around Campus

Posted 10:32pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Henessey Griffiths

If you’re a poor student like me who craves the sweet satisfaction of nicotine, then boy do I have something for you. Vaping, the cheaper alternative to smoking. For a while, I was anti-vaping. The big clouds and unusual flavours were a turn-off for me. But once the price of darts went up and Read more...