The following tale details the events of a casual Sunday afternoon. You, the reader, have just returned from a relaxing cricket game with a delicious pizza when suddenly…. it goes missing. You must carefully utilize the clues given to deduce the suspect. Happy sleuthing.
It’s 6:00 p.m. on a Sunday, and you’ve just returned from Domino’s with a delicious $5 pizza. It’s your favorite type of pizza, and you can almost taste that deliciously processed cheese and cardboard crust on the air wafting up from the box. You enter your two-story flat, The Shithole, where you live with four flatmates, Angelika, Slade, Isaac, and Igor. You set your pizza box on the counter and say hello to Igor, who is cooking something foul-smelling in a frying pan on the stove. Igor is always cooking something foul-smelling.
“Big I, whassup?” you say, slapping fives with him.
“Hello (insert your name here),” says Igor. He eyes the pizza box in your hand.
“What is in this box you are in possession of?”
A few months ago, you might have been shaken by Igor’s strange, robotic style of talking, but you’re used to it by now.
“Ahh, it’s some pizza homie. Pizza,” you say, grinning.
“I enjoy eating pizza,” says Igor.
He goes back to cooking. You leave your pizza on the counter and head to your room, where you drop off your cricket bag. On the way, you see Angelika, who is practicing yoga in the hall.
“Do I smell pizza?” she says.
“Yep!” you respond. “It’s (insert favorite type of pizza here)!”
“Whoa, my favorite,” she says. “It’s pizza night in the Shithole everybody!”
“Hey hey hey, keep it down!” you hiss. “This is a $5 pizza. Personal size. Only for moi.”
Angelika throws up her hands. “Hey no worries, no worries. I was only kidding.”
She winks.
Your pizza is probably getting cold, but you want to really enjoy the experience of eating it, and you’re sweaty from cricket practice earlier, so you decide to shower.
You head back downstairs and bump into the shaven-headed Slade coming out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. He’s carrying his rugby duffel.
“Hola,” he says.
“Done in there?” you ask.
“Yeah mate, was in there for a good while. A steaming hot shower is the only thing that relaxes me after a match.” He flexes his bicep. It is considerably larger than yours.
Slade is a douche.
You nod and push past him into the bathroom. You check out your handsome reflection in the mirror, flashing yourself a pair of finger guns before hopping in. Damn, you look good.
A quick shower’s nice, but pizza is calling, and it’s been 5 minutes now so you need to get munching. You get out and head to your room to get dressed. Isaac is standing outside your door.
“Heard you had some pizza?” he says. “$5 pizza.”
“Yeah… but who told you?” you whisper.
Something is wrong.
“Angelika,” he says. “Just in passing. General flat news, you know?”
No, Isaac, I don’t “know,” you think. Why does everyone know about this pizza? What is going on?
Isaac grins. You are unsure if it’s a friendly grin or not.
Something is off. The pizza has been compromised. You’re sure of it. You rush to the kitchen.
The box stands open. Empty.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” You sink to your knees, letting out a cry of anguish.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Igor walks into the kitchen, ramrod straight.
“What is the matter?” he asks.
“Igor, you fuck!” you shriek. “Where were you just now? You were the only person in the kitchen! Where is my pizza?! Where have you been?”
Igor shrugs. “I have been defecating for the previous three minutes and forty seconds,” he says. “My meal was harsh.”
You breathe heavily. You need to think. The room is spinning. The pizza is gone. The pizza is gone. The pizza is gone.
“Calm down. Calmmm down big (boy/girl/other),” you mutter, rubbing your growling stomach. “We’re gonna find the bastard that did this, and we’re gonna make them pay.”
All the flatmates are gathered in the kitchen now, summoned by your screaming. Angelika, still wearing her yoga tights and carrying her yoga mat, appears bored and uninterested. Igor, as usual, displays no emotion. Slade has dressed, and is scowling.
“I should be pregaming by now, cunt,” he says.
Isaac appears nervous. A few reddish stains mar the front of his white t-shirt. Were they there when he was outside your door? You can’t remember. Fuck.
“Alright,” you say, clapping your hands. “You probably all know why I summoned you in here today.”
“Yea, we all heard you screaming like a psychopath,” mutters Angelika.
You glare at her.
“Someone ate my pizza,” you say. “It was one of you. Will anyone own up to it?”
Silence.
“Fine,” you say. You pace back and forth, waving your arms around. “Then I want to hear where each of you were just now. Just now… and like… for the last 15 minutes. While I was showering and changing and shit.”
Angelika sighs loudly, throwing up her hands. “This is insane.”
“I was cooking. Then I was eating. Then I was defecating,” says Igor promptly.
“Okay,” you say. “Can anyone else corroborate his story?”
“Yeah, I saw him eating his shit food in here,” says Slade. “It smells like ass.”
Slade isn’t wrong.
Igor shrugs. “I was cooking, eating, defecating.”
“Ok, Slade, where were you?” you ask.
“I was showering, dickweed,” he scoffs. “You saw me come out.”
“Yeah…. but….. your hair wasn’t wet!” you snap.
“I’m bald,” he says.
“Ohhh. Yeah,” you respond. You scratch your head. This is tougher than you thought it would be.
“Angelika, where were you?”
“Doing yoga in the hallway,” she says.
“Yeah, but like, not after that…” says Isaac. “I totally saw you come into the kitchen when (insert your name here) was in the shower.”
“For like five seconds!!!” Angelika shrieks. “I was getting some water. The box was empty when I saw it, I swear. I thought you’d already eaten it!”
You tap your chin. Things are getting complicated. “Isaac. Where were you?”
“Well, I was playing Super Smash Bros in my room,” he begins. “Then Angelika came in and said you had a pizza.” So I went and waited outside your room while you were in the shower. That’s when I saw her go into the kitchen.”
“You waited outside my room for 10 minutes?” you ask. “For a slice of $5 pizza? Don’t you have a life?”
Isaac shrugs. “It’s (insert your favorite type of pizza here). It’s my favorite. But I didn’t take it, I swear!”
“My room’s upstairs,” you point out. “You said you saw Angelika go into the kitchen when you were outside my room. How is that possible? The kitchen is downstairs.”
“It was, like… before… before I went upstairs!” Issac stammers. “She already admitted she went in there anyway, I’m not lying!”
You point to the stain on his shirt. “What’s that, then? Looks a lot like tomato sauce.”
“It’s paint,” he says. “I was painting my Dungeons and Dragons figurines today.”
Hmmmm.
“Welp, I’ve got better things to do than to sit here listening to Sherlock Jr.” Angelika snaps. She stands up. Everyone else follows suit, except for Igor, who is already standing for some reason.
“Wait,” you say. “Hold it right there, everybody.”
Everyone freezes. The air is thick with tension. You think back.
This has been a tricky case. There are a lot of clues, a lot of suspects. Any of them could have eaten the pizza.
But only one is definitely lying. You know who the pizza eater is. And they are about to owe you $6.
($5 for the pizza, $1 for the inconvenience… It’s only fair)