Archive

Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...

Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...

The Hell Hole | Worm

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon

There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...

Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh

Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale

This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Issue 24

Posted 12:49pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Penicillin (1/5)  Helps people live longer and prolong the misery of existence. Also, misleadingly does not contain pencils.   Sex (1.5/5) Too much tiring effort.   The Wheel (3.5/5) Rolls pretty well. Not much use for other things.   Boats Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Student allowances and living costs

Posted 11:31am Sunday 24th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse National is committed to supporting students with the costs associated with tertiary study. A tertiary education is a major investment, not just for you as students, but for New Zealand as a country. New Zealand has one of the most generous student support systems in the Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 11:16am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Good morning, ODT. That’s lovely ODT. Well done.   This week the ODT has decided to start a column on how hard different South Island towns are. Next week, Greymouth goes the gym, drinks whatever alcohol Swilliam is reviewing, and then beats someone Read more...

Editorial | Podcasts

Posted 10:30am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lucy Hunter

After all the complaints we received about last week’s editorial, I’d like to say at the outset that this editorial represents the views of Critic, Radio One, everybody at OUSA, the university staff, and the entire student population of Dunedin. By reading this, you must agree with Read more...

Sage Advice | Politics

Posted 2:37pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Be prepared, there is a small chance that our horrendous leadership could unknowingly lead us into World War III.” - Donald J. Trump, @realDonaldTrump “Tweets on Winston Peters NZ Politician” - Winston Peters, @winstonpeters   It’s that time again, Read more...

Lucky in Love | The Macarena & I’m Blue

Posted 2:34pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   The Macarena After ceremonially downing three gin and tonics at my flat I found myself sat in Read more...

Science Tank | Einstein

Posted 2:29pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.” - Albert Einstein   This guy kind of needs no introduction but, while most people know that he Read more...

No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB

Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Small Town Tosser Poison recipe

Posted 1:44pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and I think I love him. But last weekend my best friend told me that she saw him in Dunedin kissing another girl at a party when he was meant to be out of town with his friends. I believe her, she is one of my best friends. When Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Metareviews

Posted 12:58pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

0/5 Metareviews are reviews about reviews and they suck. Their primary purpose is to painfully expose that what the reader is reading has been constructed by someone. Theoretically there is a point behind being meta; someone can try to expose that their own work is constructed in order to make Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 18-24)

Posted 12:52pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

The line-up of wonderful celebratory days this week is something worth celebrating in itself!   Monday 18 September – Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day Sometimes there’s really no better way of expressing your feelings than how they are already written in a greeting card. Read more...

ODT Watch | Wedding Edition

Posted 11:29am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we journey hand-in-hand into the wonder that is the ODT Wedding Guide. Hell, yes!   No matter what you do, do NOT let any women speak at your wedding They’ll only gossip, nag, and tell everybody that they don’t want to be there and are being sold by Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Housing

Posted 11:14am Sunday 17th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse Buying a home is often the single biggest purchase a person makes in their lifetime and National is committed to working hard to ensure more New Zealanders are able to own their own home. The most difficult hurdle to overcome for first home buyers is pulling together the Read more...

Editorial | Critic’s View on the General Election: Labour Is the Option For Us

Posted 10:23am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

Disclaimer: This endorsement is the view of Critic Magazine and was in no way solicited by the Labour Party or any person affiliated with it. It represents the editorial views of the magazine and no one else. At the outset of this editorial, we admit that endorsements of political parties are an Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 11-17)

Posted 2:07pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Critic

​ Did you know that September is Happy Cat Month? A cause for celebration if ever there was one!   Monday 11 September – No News is Good News Day With all this stressful news of war and climate change and Trump and the general election (please vote), it’s important Read more...