Archive

ODT Watch | Issue 15

Posted 12:36am Friday 12th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week someone let the ODT read the thesaurus again…     Then a sage warning about an upcoming crisis:     We should all be mindful of World Juggling Day, specifically mindful of how to end this pagan sacrilege once and for all.   We Read more...

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider

Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 15

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...

Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...