Could Child Sex Dolls Reduce Sexual Assault? We spoke to a Pedophile who thinks so.

Posted 9:50pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Caroline Moratti

Todd E. Nickerson could have the Tinder bio of your dreams. He’s a one-armed freelance artist and graphic designer who loves “art, movies, books, science, philosophy, cooking and daydreaming”. Todd is also a self-confessed “celibate/non-offending pedophile,” who says he Read more...

The Demise of the Student Pub

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Chelle Fitzgerald

I was 16 years old the first time I ever illegally set foot in a nightclub, and that night in 2001 would pinpoint the start of a love affair with Dunedin’s vibrant student pubs and clubs scene. Drunk on Bernadino and KGBs, my best friend and I concocted an incredible backstory of being Read more...

Experts Confirm Grant Robertson Would Be Fucking Great to Get on the Piss with

Posted 9:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Minister of Finance has been assessed by experts who have confirmed that he would be able to sink a lot of piss and entertain people with his belly laughs. Robertson confirmed this, saying “Yeah, fucking oath. I’m an old school rooster.” The former OUSA President said he only Read more...

DCC Planning Controversial Merger with Comics Giant DC

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

In a move that is angering fans of the local government authority, the Dunedin City Council has announced a merger with Detective Comics. “Nothing in the DC Universe persuades me that they have any respect for city councils,” said one die-hard fan of the DCC. “Their Read more...

Ed Sheeran Says Dunedin ‘Kinda Clingy’

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Mel Ansell

Ed Sheeran is reportedly “disturbed” by Dunedin misinterpreting his desire for a one-weekend no holds barred, no strings attached song-fest. He said he’d come to Dunedin making it clear he was only here for “a good time, not a long time”. It was unusual for Sheeran to Read more...

The ODT’s Most Punishing Ed Sheeran Puns

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Joel MacManus

Readers of the ODT this week were bombarded with a barrage of the highest form of humour known to the ODT’s reporters – painfully forced puns.      The first ever Ed Sheeran pun in the ODT, from way back when the tour was first announced. No one could’ve Read more...

Bosch, 3M in Bidding War to be Official Sandpaper Sponsor of Australian Cricket Team

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Industrial Sandpaper companies Bosch and 3M are reportedly in a heated bidding war over the coveted sandpaper sponsorship rights for the Australian cricket team.  While in recent years the sandpaper supplier has been considered a low-level sponsorship deal, the deal is considered Read more...

Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown

Posted 12:39pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he actually likes the taste of notoriously cheap and nasty beer Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” When asked what inspired his Read more...

For a Building, UniPol Is Looking Super Judgy Right Now

Posted 12:28pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Man, UniPol is totally looking like an asshole right now. Shut your stupid face, you dumb building. I don’t even care, it’s just a pizza. OK, it’s like the third straight day I’ve had pizza. And this is three straight nights of drinking. Still, I’m an adult. Shut up, Read more...

Man Left Embarrassed After Yet Again Failing to Find the Vagina

Posted 12:27pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

“Up a bit, no, too high. Fuck it, I’ll put it in myself then,” a Dunedin man’s partner was overheard loudly exclaiming during one of their bi-monthly hanky-panky sessions. The man, whose meaty highlighter reportedly shrunk to a chewed pencil stub with shame, told the Read more...