Culture

50 Dundas St, beside Alhambra field, (1/5).

Prices: Flat White: $4, Long Black: $3, Mocha: $4
 
Why I came here: After hearing everything from rave reviews to disturbing diatribes I thought it was time for a friend and me to provide our own verdict.
 
Atmosphere: One word: awkward.
 
Service: The three guys working at The Church stared at us shamelessly the entire time, almost as if to say “what are you doing here?!” and despite our being the only people there, the coffees took a while to arrive.
 
Food: Our appetites were quickly non-existent after we walked in and were hit by the pungent smell of vinegar. Even though there wasn’t any cabinet food available, if we had had the option we would have refrained.
 
Overall: What a shocker. As soon as we arrived we wanted to be out of there ASAP. However, I was determined to give The Church a full fair test, especially because my flatmate (whom I have now realised is completely delusional) rates their coffee highly. The Church, although pretty from the outside felt “scungy” and was rather messy inside. Plasma televisions decorated the aged wood panelling giving the cafe a “tacky” vibe. The coffee is the only reason this place gets a star at all. Despite being drinkable, I couldn’t help be reminded of the lukewarm Milo I used to drink in first year. Regardless, it was the vinegar stench which really hit us hard. After ordering, we quickly changed our coffees to take-away so that we could escape the putrid and piquant odour that seemed to envelop the place – and us. We were surprised – for about a second – that we were the only patrons in the place at lunchtime on a Friday, but these thoughts disappeared quickly, along with my trust in my flatmate’s taste in cafes. We left regretting our visit and vowing never to return.