Keegan Wells successfully won the presidency in a close race against Mr. No Confidence. We were able to sit down with the local figure while she wasn’t busy chasing snowfalls or ranting about atmospheric rivers and over-tourism. As you’ll see, the conversation immediately became quite dicey, and we had to run it through OUSA’s official censure, resulting in the following:
Critic: Kia ora, Keegan! Congratulations, again, on your election.
Keegan: Thank you! Yeah, thanks. It was a close one. I really thought Mr. No Confidence might have had a chance there because people didn’t think I was taking this seriously. But
[REDACTED] those people because I don’t think they understand how [REDACTED] it is when [REDACTED] don’t participate, you know?
Critic: Yeah, absolutely. That’s got to be frustrating. I mean, how were you supposed to know [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]?
Keegan: Well, the writing was on the wall, really. As soon as I heard OUSA mention [REDACTED] and how they didn’t plan to [REDACTED], I knew that it was pretty much over. Like, you don’t have to be a Commerce major to figure that one out, not that those people [REDACTED], haha.
Critic: Wow, I had no idea how much that cost. Crazy. Is there anywhere you’d like to reappropriate those funds?
Keegan: Oh, for sure, I’ve got some ideas. First off I think that we should invest in a student bar in the [REDACTED] building, which they’re looking at. I have so many good memories about student bars and so many good things to say, like one time I actually ate [REDACTED] off of [REDACTED] in [REDACTED], which is [REDACTED], when you think about it. Oh, and another time I actually saw [REDACTED] from the Uni Council there. [REDACTED] was [REDACTED] everywhere. Crazy. Anyway, I think it’s important to bring that back.
Critic: I’m pretty sure that’s extremely illegal.
Keegan: Oh, well so is [REDACTED], not that I have any experience with that.
Critic: Holy shit. How does that work?
Keegan: [REDACTED]. Then you just light it and [REDACTED].
Critic: Wow. Anyway.
Keegan: Anyway. Yeah, so another thing I care about are postgrad and international students, identifying as both myself. To be honest, I think that the attitude towards international students is a bit like [REDACTED]’s attitude towards [REDACTED].
Critic: That’s incredibly fucked up.
Keegan: Yeah, that’s my point!
Critic: That really happens?
Keegan: Yeah, they can, like, unhinge their jaw. It’s wild. Have you seen it?
Keegan: Here, look at this one.
Critic: Wow. I didn’t need to see that.
Keegan: Had to be there.
Critic: So what do you say to people that have accused you of not taking this seriously?
Keegan: I say they can [REDACTED]. Respectfully. They didn’t run. And I’m tired of taking [REDACTED] from people who [REDACTED]. Literally fight me. I have two[REDACTED]] that nobody knows about, it’s why I can’t go back to [REDACTED]. I don’t think people understand who [REDACTED]. Try me. I literally watched [REDACTED] turn into [REDACTED] before my very eyes. After that, it’s hard to be serious about anything else.
Critic: Holy shit, I’m so sorry to hear that, that sounds incredibly traumatic.
Keegan: Had it coming. [REDACTED]. And at the end of the day, that’s just how [REDACTED].
Critic: Right. Fair enough, I guess. So do you think that you’ll be able to increase engagement within the student body?
Keegan: Wait ‘til they see how many[REDACTED] I can[REDACTED] in one [REDACTED]. That’ll be hard to ignore.
Critic: Wait, how many?
Critic: Christ, okay.
Keegan: Anything else you wanna know?
Critic: Which of the next exec members are you least excited to work with?
Keegan: [REDACTED], absolutely.
Critic: So true.
Critic: Here’s a curly one: what do you think about [REDACTED]?
Keegan: Honestly, I think it completely oversteps its bounds. Like, good idea in theory, but ultimately it’s both ineffective and disrespectful. Virtue signalling to achieve the bare minimum. I think it was a mistake.
Critic: I don’t think that’s going to be very well-received.
Keegan: Neither was [REDACTED].
Critic: Fair point. Do you think you’ll have any luck [REDACTED]ing it?
Keegan: Not really. I think that [REDACTED] is scared to touch it.
Critic: Fascinating. What do you think about OUSA and Uni management?
Keegan: [REDACTED]ing kidding me? Like,[REDACTED]
Keegan: [REDACTED], and that’s the last I’ll say on the matter.
Critic: Well, Keegan, thanks a lot for your time. And good luck next year.
Keegan: Thanks, I’ll need it.[REDACTED].
Critic: [REDACTED] you too.