BOBBY
I arrived fashionably early to Tokyo Gardens, a place I’d only been to twice before for BYOs, and on neither occasion did I get laid. Third time’s the charm I guess. My date arrived a little later and was easy to spot as we were the only two in the restaurant at the early hour we’d agreed on. Fortunately she had brought the Critic wine, and the conversation began to flow.She was studying zoology; I made a joke about bestiality which was perhaps too much. I told her I was fourth year med (as opposed to my actual third year gender studies – it’s a degree, look it up – I find people instinctively trust doctors and the extra year added sophistication).
We yarned for a bit about this and that, and then ordered some food. I forget what I had now, but it was squiddy. She told me that’s a cephalopod (Zoology mother fucker). She got some sizzling platter hot stone affair and ate it in about 45 seconds, at some points forgoing the chopsticks and using her fingers which I can respect.
The bottle of wine had disappeared a long time ago, so we headed to a house party she knew of up the road. Being the calculating medical mind I am I had deduced my date was high so I promptly joined her. The party was mean, in some grungey Fight Club-esque basement where everyone seemed heavily medicated. My date and I left for some fresh air just as noise control arrived.
We were pretty buzzy by this point and set to climbing trees to look out over Dunedin and shit. Cute. Or it would have been until she started blowing me up like a hand grenade. Being a gentleman, but not acrobatic enough to return the favour in the foliage of Queen St, I invited her home for tea and crumpets. I went into last night with the expectation of an awkward couple of hours with a top-knotted bimbo, possibly of the Law Barbie variety. However, I ended up having a mean time, and, whilst neither of us are proponents of the whole “monogamy” thing, I’d definitely like to see more of her. I’m going to have to buy a stethoscope. Thanks Critic for the wine, the meal and the orgasms.
WHITNEY
My flatmates managed to convince me that a couple of cheeky spots would settle my nerves before my first blind date ever, but alas it only caused me to be late and super slow. I had my sexiest undies on, you know the pair you wear when you intend someone to get in close proximity. Naturally they’re my most uncomfortable pair. On the walk to town they rode up my arse like dental floss through butter. Classic first world problems.He was sitting alone at a table in the corner. Well of course he was alone he was waiting for me, could have got awkward if there was another date with him. He was already half way through his bottle of wine. I like the way this man thinks. On to catch up time. He studied med and was a fourth year, so I’d hooked me a smart mo-fo. I hope he took my 3-second delay to respond to any questions as pensive rather than just mindless.
By this point I was hungrier than a wolf in the winter time, and about ready to prey on some villagers. Fortunately, food was brought before me. Unfortunately, it was of the greasy finger-licking kind and I was in no mood to screw around with decorum. Having polished off the meal and the wine, I suggested we continued the night at a flat warming I knew of.
At the party shit got a little messy from the moment we arrived. The liquor was flowing and my date, accurately guessing the mood, produced a joint; the rest of the night flew by in a haze of drum n’ bass and sneaky gropes. It was when he offered me something a litte heavier, saying “Trust me I’m the Doctor” that I knew he was the man I am destined to one day marry and spit out a whole gang’a kids for. A bunch of shit led to a bunch more shit, and before I know it I was hanging from some branches like my ape ancestors before me, giving pleasure to a man I’d just met. Ladies don’t undertake this lightly, that shit was fucking difficult. We went back to his and whilst and I’d definitely like to see more of him in the future it’d be difficult to see more than I saw last night. Cheers Critic. Free Tibet.
right.
A special thanks to Tokyo Gardens for the grub.