Archive

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:42pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, it is my pleasure to say that we have an image supplied Shar. This means it is finally in the magazine, which means we’ve finally gotten it. We got last issue’s submission correct: Daniel was at Mr Tuck Kee’s Curry Puff stand, in Pudu, Kuala Lumpur.  First Read more...

OUSA Student Executive Creates New Crypto Bro Position on Executive

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA Finance and Strategy Officer Emily has been crunching the numbers on how to survive the next fiscal year, and came to the conclusion that they are in trouble. In order to combat this, she is introducing the Crypto Executive Position, which starts in two weeks. The new position is already being Read more...

“Free Thinker” Millennial Wonders Who Really Built the Pyramid Scheme She Joined

Posted 2:11pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

“Look, I don’t want the liberal PC media woke brigade to cancel me,” said Ms A. Von to Critic Tribune, “but if you take a closer look at the culture behind, y’know, pyramid schemes, something doesn’t add up,” she concluded, with all the authority of someone Read more...

Conspiracy Theory Pinboards Behind Newfound Love of Fibre Art

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local man Hugh Anon, a voracious Facebook disinformer, has discovered a use for pins and yarn that doesn’t involve being homophobic or antisemitic. “It all started last year when lockdown took away my free speech,” Hugh told the Tribune, “so I took to social media to speak Read more...

Predator Free Dunedin didn’t catch a Single Paedophile Last Year

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

The whole concept of one-trap-fits-all for paedophiles hasn’t been super effective. Despite PFD’s best efforts, not a single sexual predator was caught by their automated traps, presumably because the traps are rat-sized. A local predator said, “The council is generalising us which Read more...

Editorial Conspiratorial: How I Caused 9/11

Posted 1:29pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Fox Meyer

When I was two, we lived in Florida. Yeah, I know, woe is me. My parents, as you can tell from my mum’s choice of footwear, were total hippies. And in 2000, they were big fans of Ralph Nader, the American Green Party candidate for president.  I don’t know how much you know about Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

Posted 3:01pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

There’s a big willow tree on the corner of Anzac and Hanover, sorta by the train station. I’ve had sex in it. It’s the third tree I’ve had sex in but it was certainly the best. I’d been seeing this girl for a while, going to parties together and usually ended up Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 8

Posted 3:00pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Start living by ACC: always choosing content.  DIY activity: home grown weed.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If there is one thing you need, it’s a break. Stop putting so much time and emotional labour into things that no longer serve Read more...

KGB ‘Tropical’

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Chug Norris

Have you become sick and tired of drinking the same toxic lolly water that you’ve been drinking for the past year? Is your current drink not giving you type II diabetes quickly enough? Are you ready to branch out and try something new? Well, buddy, you’re in luck! KGB have just released Read more...

Skuxx Food | Butternut Hummus

Posted 2:54pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Have recent food prices been getting you down? Have you recently realised that your fav hummus, which you can easily demolish in a sitting, has now hit $5 on New World’s shelves? Here’s how to make a very skuxx homemade hummus that will give you way more bang for your Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Daniel. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to some errant paint: Itsukushima Shrine, Hiroshima, Japan.  First Thoughts: Looks like Indonesia, based on the street carts and brands, but could also definitely be Malaysia. Will be tough to Read more...

Editorial: What’s so Good about Good Friday?

Posted 12:24am Saturday 23rd April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Good Friday is the most confusing day of the year. First of all, there’s the name: if I was murdered, resurrected, and then deified, and I came back 2,000 years later to see people celebrating my sacrifice, I’d be stoked. I’d be like “Oh that’s mean, so glad Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

Posted 1:17pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

It was a beautiful Saturday evening in an unspecified location outside of Dunedin. I have been sinking a few too many drinks when all of a sudden I have to get up to yak. Here’s the thing about me… every time I yak I piss myself. So, here I am, yak successful but now I have stained my Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 7

Posted 1:16pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is for everybody going through tough times, believe me, been there done that, but everyday above ground is a great day, remember that.  Task to do: wash your sheets.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The bigger they are, the harder they fall. This Read more...

19 Crimes Pinot Noir

Posted 2:37pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Thomas Delaney

From the brand that brought you the Snoop Dogg merlot, 19 Crimes is back with a penal-themed pinot noir that is more sinkable than the ships that carried their criminal crew to Australia. Coming in at about $20, 19 Crimes hits a solid ratio of about a dollar per crime. Not too shabby, and for a red Read more...

Skuxx Food | Italian (or Greek, or NYC) style meatballs:

Posted 2:34pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Here’s how to make some really awesome yet simple meatballs. You can add them to any meal you like. I recommend a tomato-based pasta or, as pictured here, a Greek-style couscous salad. If you’re proper ceebs, chuck them in a bread roll and call it a NYC meatball sub. With these bad boys, Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:31pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Elliot. We got last week’s submission correct, though it nearly killed us: Shimla, India, from the parking lot of Christ Church. First thoughts: Definitely looks Japanese. I wonder if this is Himeji Castle. We’ll see. Not Himeji Castle, so Read more...

GHOTI

Posted 1:23am Saturday 9th April 2022 by Fox Meyer

If you’re trying to learn English, good fuckin’ luck, because “GHOTI” is pronounced “fish” (touGH, wOmen, acTIon).  English is a bizarre and wonderful language, and I am so, so glad that I was born into it rather than having to learn it as an adult. Of all Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 6

Posted 6:57pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to fill your life with more wholesome hobbies to ward off the feelings of depression and loneliness. Try going to the farmers market, or knitting, or writing a book about how fucked everything is.  Dunedin sight to see: Cargill’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

Posted 6:53pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

I hadn’t had a root since the world’s greatest heartbreak hit me a year earlier. I was ready. It was my time of the month, I was wearing my lucky dress and my favourite Crocs. My way of flirting with everyone and anyone was to insist that after every nang, you smooch the person next to Read more...