Isolation Fornication: 12 Socially Distanced Sex Tips

Posted 5:53pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Lotto Ramsay

It’s the third year of the pandemic and everyone’s still horny as hell. The safest option is masturbation, but if you’re sick of ringing the devil’s doorknob or strangling your meat flute and want some partner play then boy, you’re not alone. If the previous euphemisms Read more...

Predicting Oscar Winners with my Covid Iso

Posted 5:50pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Elliot Weir

As one of the many annoying film people working at Critic Te Arohi, I found myself obligated to pass judgement on who I think will win the upcoming Oscars. I couldn’t fit all 24 categories here, so I’ve cut out the acting awards, the short films, and a few others. I am also writing this Read more...

This World is on Fire:

Posted 5:48pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Sean Gourley

In a world that seems to be sliding further and further into the shit every day, Critic checked in with students to see what terrified them most about their future existence on this fuck-up of a planet. Most of the questioning was conducted on St Paddy’s to ensure that participants spoke from Read more...

Capital Gains: The Great Critic 24-Hour Trade-Up

Posted 5:46pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Keegan Wells

I love getting shit for free. So, when I was able to swap a half-empty Billy Mav for an (obviously superior) blue lighter, I was hooked. I gave myself 24 hours to upgrade that half-empty can of shite to whatever glory awaited me. One man even offered me his children at one point, which I figured Read more...

Apps, if they were your ex-lovers

Posted 5:44pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

Ever wanted to fuck a smartphone app? Me neither, but that doesn’t mean you’ve never been curious about how loving of a partner they’d be. Critic set up an artificial intelligence to court and report on a bunch of apps, and the resulting “heartbreak index” was used to Read more...

Urbex: Exploring the abandoned world around us

Posted 5:40pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Zak Rudin

Broken glass, dark corridors, and no electricity are all big red flags when it comes to looking for a flat, but for the students seeking an adventurous trespass onto abandoned properties, these signs are as good as gold. Urban exploration (often shortened to urbex) involves exploring human-made Read more...

Cheeky Cheater Cheats Cheap Cheaters

Posted 5:37pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Sometimes failure can lead people to their true calling, as recently discovered by an entrepreneur who lost her passion for first year Health Sci after one failed progress test. Now pursuing a Business degree, Critic became aware of Annie after several tearful complaints from Auckland HSFY students Read more...

Discussion-Dominating Student Dismisses Claims of Disruption

Posted 5:36pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Critic Te Arohi had a chat with Danny, a third year student who, according to the Geography department, takes up 60% of discussion time in tutorials.  “I mean, I don’t really do the readings but I just kinda catch the vibe,” he told Critic through hoons that he blew in our Read more...

Bush-bound Bandit Bamboozled by Bureaucracy

Posted 5:35pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Jamie O’Mannin, 31, was recently arrested after spending the last 12 years living on the West Coast, subsisting off of freeze-dried meals stolen from trampers spending the night in DoC huts. He had overstayed his visa by 11 years. Jamie was arrested last week, when he was caught in Mt. Read more...

Beezies Bewildered by Bad Beverage Breakouts

Posted 5:34pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local girls have recently been shocked to discover that their ultra-healthy, sugar-free RTDs have horrible side effects. Critic Te Arohi spoke to Samantha who bemoaned, “I can’t believe it. My collagen boosting drink with notes of aloe vera and angel piss gave me a pimple the next Read more...