Disclaimer: Do not follow any of these recommendations. Please.
Accredited health guru Gwyneth Paltrow has realised that Goop, her alternative lifestyle brand, isn’t accessible to people on a budget. What a shock! She advertises things like gold-plated vibrators for the low, low price of $5000. We understand that some people don’t care about their spiritual health enough to spend thousands of dollars on it. Those people deserve to experience Goop too. In the spirit of making Gwyn-Gwyn’s hot and extremely evidence-based tips available to everyone, we’ve found budget alternatives for some of Goop’s products.
The Jade Egg is well-known because Queen Gwyneth was sued for making unsubstantiated claims about its health benefits on the Goop website. The Goop Wellness page says you should: “Insert the egg into your vagina and feel the connection with your body by squeezing and releasing the egg.” It recommends doing these sessions for at least fifteen minutes a day.
If you want to put an egg-shaped ball in your vagina, we recommend using the inner plastic container of a Kinder Surprise. That way you get a chocolatey treat before doing your Kegel exercises! Plus, with the hollow inside of the plastic container, you can fill it with whatever items are going to give your vagina spiritual fulfillment, whether that’s photographs of your ex or some cuttings from succulents in your garden.
Kinder Surprise: $2.20, comes with chocolate and a toy
Jade Egg: $90, no chocolate, no toy
Goop recommended this back in 2015 and it was controversial, because someone tried to do it at home and burned their vagina on a boiling hot pot of herbs. Never fear, we believe you can make it work. With a bit of care and a bucket you should be able to steam your vagina and raise its temperature to way higher than is natural, because of some dubious natural health benefits that no one has studied. Sound good?
Our recommendation is that instead of going to a fancy spa and sitting on their “throne” that they built specially for vaginal steaming, you take a jug of boiling water and pour it into a bucket along with whatever herbs and herbal teas you happen to have lying around the flat, and let the herbs steam their way into your vag. It’s a refreshing way to invigorate your vagina on a cold winter’s evening.
DIY herb bucket: $4 for some parsley or chives from the supermarket, the comfort of your own home
V-steam Spa Treatment: $70 for 40 minutes, no homely comfort
Psychic Vampire Repellent
Goop’s website advertises vampire repellent, a spray that wards off bad energy. “If there’s a more pleasurable way to banish psychic vampires, we don’t know it,” the website says. This seems overly complicated, because everyone knows that warding off vampires, whether psychic or otherwise, is simple.
The whole idea of this repellent seems to be based on the misconception that garlic is not a sexy smell. This is incorrect. We suggest that instead of using this expensive spray, you rub yourself with crushed garlic to ward off the vampires. Everyone that loves garlic bread will think you smell great, and you’ll rid your life of those pesky vampires.
Masterfoods Crushed Garlic: $3.50, will smell like garlic bread
Psychic Vampire Repellent: $37.00, does not smell like garlic bread
Pillo Sex Pillow
Goop is extremely progressive and likes to remind you that sex is good. They also like to remind you that in order to have good sex, you need to spend $130.00 on a pillow from their website to “help you hit the perfect angle.” If someone doesn’t know how to hit the G-spot, this weirdly shaped pillow is unlikely to help.
What’s the alternative? Just use a different pillow. Briscoes sells many pillows, most of them for less than $130.00. You might even already have a pillow. You may not realise this, but you can use that pillow for sex as well.
Cotton Firm Pillow: $24.99 from Briscoes, can use whatever pillowcase you like
Pillo Sex Pillow: $130.00, weird shape with only one pillowcase
Gemstone Heat Therapy Mat
As a budget alternative, try placing some cool stones you found on the beach on top of an electric blanket. Comfort and style in one heat therapy mat!
Electric blanket with rocks: Electric blankets are on sale at Briscoes for $45! Rocks are free
Gemstone Mat: $1369
Mushroom Hot Cacao Tea with Reishi
“Some of the coziest bedtime rituals involve chocolate. And this one is made more soothing by a dose of reishi mushroom,” says the Goop website.
We assume that this is essentially like making hot chocolate with shrooms. They may not serve the same purpose in terms of getting you to sleep, but you might get a spiritual awakening instead.
Shroom Hot Chocolate: Essentials Choc Chips Dark for $1, Anchor Calci Yum Flavoured Milk Chocolate for $1, Shrooms for free, gets you high
Mushroom Tea: $27, does not get you high