My heart genuinely goes out to those unfortunate enough to be cursed with a nut allergy - I’m sorry.
That does, however, mean more peanut butter for me. You don’t die and I get more PB all to myself - there can be no loser.
I thought this week I’d shake it up a bit as an ode to my raging addiction - adding fuel to the fire, if you will.
I hereby present to you this definitive review of peanut butters according to yours truly.
Nut Brothers Smooth and Slightly Salted
I was never a smooth fan, but this is runnier than your Sunday morning aftermath, which gets a no from me, dawg.
taste: not even peanutty
texture: way too runny
price: $5.99
crunchiness: ugh
overall: 1/10
Kraft Smooth
For me, this PB is akin to my first puff of a marlboro red - the single source that began my addiction
taste: tastes like childhood
texture: how I remember play-dough
price: $4.00
crunchiness: non-existent – who wants smooth?! WHO?!
overall: 4/10 only for nostalgic purposes
Homebrand Crunchy
Like a lass from the Deep South; does the job, cheap date, spreads like a charm - just a bit pasty
taste: meh
texture: a bit too pasty
price: $2.50
crunchiness: a bit few and far between
overall: 5/10
Pic’s Crunchy
Pic’s undoubtedly carries the name, but for me it’s the equivalent of a Karen Walker runaway girl necklace - basic and overpriced.
taste: “true blue” peanut taste
texture: not oily enough
price: $6.50
crunchiness: pretty bloody good
overall: 6/10
Fix and Fogg Honey
This is the classy, delicate sample. Approach with caution or you’ll be in too deep.
taste: perfect salty/sweet
texture: like an angel
price: $8.99
crunchiness: crunchy AF
overall: 7/10
Fix + Fogg Smoke and Fire
Perhaps better than crack, however let down by price. Texture is second-to-none. In a satay burger would, to take the words out of my father’s mouth, “make your pants poke out front”.
taste: smoky + chili bite
texture: fucking spot on
price: $8.99
crunchiness: again, spot on
overall: 8/10
Pam’s Finest
The loveable folk at Pam’s must’ve brainstormed “how do we put crunchy peanut butter on steroids?” and came up with this beautiful, beautiful concoction
taste: roasted peanuts and happiness
texture: oily and thick (where my sleazy emoji at?)
price: $4.99
crunchiness: on steroids
overall: 9/10