Criticís Ultimate Guide to Peanut Butter

Criticís Ultimate Guide to Peanut Butter

My heart genuinely goes out to those unfortunate enough to be cursed with a nut allergy - I’m sorry.

That does, however, mean more peanut butter for me. You don’t die and I get more PB all to myself - there can be no loser.

I thought this week I’d shake it up a bit as an ode to my raging addiction - adding fuel to the fire, if you will.

I hereby present to you this definitive review of peanut butters according to yours truly.

 

Nut Brothers Smooth and Slightly Salted

I was never a smooth fan, but this is runnier than your Sunday morning aftermath, which gets a no from me, dawg.

taste: not even peanutty

texture: way too runny

price: $5.99

crunchiness: ugh

overall: 1/10

 

Kraft Smooth

For me, this PB is akin to my first puff of a marlboro red - the single source that began my addiction

taste: tastes like childhood

texture: how I remember play-dough

price: $4.00

crunchiness: non-existent – who wants smooth?! WHO?!

overall: 4/10 only for nostalgic purposes

 

Homebrand Crunchy

Like a lass from the Deep South; does the job, cheap date, spreads like a charm - just a bit pasty

taste: meh

texture: a bit too pasty

price: $2.50

crunchiness: a bit few and far between

overall: 5/10

 

Pic’s Crunchy

Pic’s undoubtedly carries the name, but for me it’s the equivalent of a Karen Walker runaway girl necklace - basic and overpriced.

taste: “true blue” peanut taste

texture: not oily enough

price: $6.50

crunchiness: pretty bloody good

overall: 6/10

 

Fix and Fogg Honey

This is the classy, delicate sample. Approach with caution or you’ll be in too deep.

taste: perfect salty/sweet

texture: like an angel

price: $8.99

crunchiness: crunchy AF

overall: 7/10

 

Fix + Fogg Smoke and Fire

Perhaps better than crack, however let down by price. Texture is second-to-none. In a satay burger would, to take the words out of my father’s mouth, “make your pants poke out front”.

taste: smoky + chili bite

texture: fucking spot on

price: $8.99

crunchiness: again, spot on

overall: 8/10

 

Pam’s Finest

The loveable folk at Pam’s must’ve brainstormed “how do we put crunchy peanut butter on steroids?” and came up with this beautiful, beautiful concoction

taste: roasted peanuts and happiness

texture: oily and thick (where my sleazy emoji at?)

price: $4.99

crunchiness: on steroids

overall: 9/10

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2017.
Posted 1:14pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Liani Baylis.