Faux-mosexual: Types of guys who trigger your gaydar on a night out

Faux-mosexual: Types of guys who trigger your gaydar on a night out

It’s slim pickings for a queer man in 2024. The line between straight and queer is increasingly blurred in a sea of tote bags, good fashion, and “bro time” – it’s hard to discern between a potential connection, and a guy who’s merely Metrosexual (but the ‘Metro’ in question is George Street and its creatures). Whether you’re fighting for your life in the Subs line, or being deafened by DnB at a mediocre host, the single men of the Dunners dating scene are abundant. But as straight guys become more secure in exploring their masculinity (yas king), the good ol’ gaydar needs a bit of recalibration – is he queer? Or just really comfortable around you? Is he being a dick in a catty, flirty way that girls are told in primary school is the height of romance? Or are you being bullied? Does he have a mullet in a gay way or a breatha way?

We’ve written about the ladies in last year’s ‘Everyone dresses gay now and it’s fucking with my gaydar’ (Issue 18, 2023). Now, as self-appointed experts in the intricacies of the gaydar, Critic Te Ārohi presents a guide for homie-erotic men of Dunedin to see who may be in the market for your next situationship.

Indie or indie-closet guy?

The Indie Guy is the type of guy who just bought a leather jacket from Static Age, and is now acting as though he invented a new genre of fashion – much like how Jojo Siwa “invented” gay pop. The Indie Guy is identifiable by his platform Docs, cotton tote bag, and charming smile that looks only slightly rehearsed. He’ll tell you all about how his favourite Lana Del Rey Album is ‘Norman Fucking Rockwell’ – and totally not as an attempt to convince you that he’s a feminist – when in reality, his Spotify wrapped is always as devoid of women as a Young Act byo. Just don’t bring up Taylor Swift; he’s made it a personality trait to hate ‘The Tortured Poets Society’. 

It is very difficult to tell what way the Indie Guy swings. Critic reckons one of the only differences between a nicely dressed bloke and a fruity queer are the amount of straps on their bag. If it’s a backpack, you know he thinks a skirt is called a dress. If it’s a single strapped satchel or a tote, then be sure that he’ll be bumping bums later that night. Notice that he will ask you for a cigarette, but only smoke it for the aesthetic (sue him, it’s hot). Keep your distance if a band plays Sticky Fingers at Pint Night – he’ll be sure to whisper in your ear, “You probably don’t know this band.”  

Gaydar: About as hit or miss as throwing your Spotify liked on shuffle
Straightness: 50/50

Law Guy

Law guys are easily identifiable by their quarter zip jumper and hair that looks way more low-maintenance than it is (which totally won’t apply to anything else). Beware of the moral superiority because he studies Law and Commerce, despite a severe lack of ability in following the law himself, manifesting in the oddly extensive collection of road cones in his living room or his involvement in a worrying amount of crypto ponzi schemes. That, or he’ll just do that thing where he repeats your joke, but louder, and gets all the credit. You decide which is a worse crime. 

The Law Guy has an incredible skill of explaining in extreme detail the difference between a barrister and solicitor (is it like vers and switch?), but the question is: if you buy him a barista-made oat coffee, will you solicit yourselves to each other? You don’t have to assume that he has just come from a wine and cheese night because he will be sure to tell you all about it. Maybe ask whether he likes his wine oaky or fruity? 

Gaydar: Pretty straight, but tries a little too hard to impress the homies
Straightness: 8/10 

Beauty and the Breatha 

After a big week of thinking about going to his BCom lectures, this guy has hit town armed with a sizable amount of gear and an outfit that he stole from a lesbian’s closet – signified by the carabiner-attached keys to his jorts. Hopefully this doesn't evolve into shuffling around town with a vape lanyard. Rain, shine or snow, you will most certainly find a pack of breathas proudly sporting Birks to complete the look – closed-toe shoes are for pussies. You’ve gotta respect them for their commitment to the bit. 

Be prepared, as common conversations revolve around how many brews they’ve gone through and how dusty they’ll be tomorrow morning. But dig a little deeper and you might find a hidden interest for Love Island or baking banana bread. If you’re tipsy enough to accept the invitation to his room, on his bedside table you’ll spy a loose collection of condoms and dead dispos, while on his floor there’ll be a suspiciously crusty sock from when he wasn’t lucky enough to find someone to get KFC the next morning with. Don’t look into his closet; you may find a Bart Simpson style wardrobe full of black Butter Hoodie’s. 

Gaydar: Oddly protective of his male friends. Maybe see if he’ll hold you as tightly as his dying vape
Straightness: 7/10 

Lat spread lad or cheek spread cutie?

You may be shocked to see him in town, finally stepping away from Unipol to have a night out. He’ll let you know that he likes to keep the drinks low cal, but that won't stop him from dumping three scoops of preworkout into a drink to get the night started. He's been hitting chest all day and somebody’s gotta see his gains. 

While those muscles may seem attractive at first glance, be warned if you try to chat up a gym bro. Despite their toned thighs and eyes that seem to follow anyone in the club who's looking toned, it's a hard guess to go on if they’re on the look out for a cute hookup, or a guy to give them advice on what their workout routine needs. Don’t even think about suggesting a cheeky fast-food meal on the way home with the gym bro. Unseasoned chicken breast and rice is their religion, but you might just be able to convince them on a better source of protein.

Gaydar: There’s nothing straighter than feeling up another guy’s body to check if he’s got a pump on. Every time a gym bro flexes, my gaydar gets a better workout than I do.
Straightness: 6/10 

Health Sci Shy Guy

This may be a more questionable entry on the list, because who actually sees him on a night out? If you squint hard enough, you may see him floating around in the Cats mosh after a Saturday progress test. If you manage to catch a sighting of him though, good luck, cos he's definitely trying to make up for months of drinking in one night. With Cruiser stains on his lips (not that he’d admit to you he’s been drinking those), his confidence to chat up a crush will be up, and you might just be able to convince him to catch up on those missed cuddle sessions. 

Sadly for him though, there’s nothing to talk about. He doesn’t know what to talk about, unless the word ‘Med’ is dropped in conversation: “Threes get MB ChBs, amiright?” You’ll see his heart drop when he gets told someone is studying something outside of Health Sci. Bonus points if it’s a BA. But who the fuck wants to talk about Uni on a night out? Just him, but get him talking about something other than his GPA and you might just be able to find out if he's a studious cutie or a Health Sci fruity. Try and go for a sleep in though because it's guaranteed he complains the next morning about how behind he’s gotten.

Gaydar: Not much to go off here, maybe invite him over for a study sesh to see?
Straightness: 6/10

“I’m in a band” Guy  

If this guy seems familiar to you, he may have been spotted at a Pint Night once a couple months ago – one of the ones with a real short line, because neither Ivy or Hot Sauce Club were on the line up. But he doesn’t want you to know that. He just needs to tell any girl he sees about his band – whose name is probably a Frankenstein-esque combination of two unrelated adjectives. 

He’s got long surfer hair to give him that indie vibe (he’s never touched a surfboard in his life). Don’t touch it, though; it’s greasy because it’s not time for its bi-weekly wash. If tales of his epic performances sweep you off your feet, you may be lucky enough to get taken back to his room. On the walk back he’ll probably beg you to make a Spotify blend, only to be disappointed by his overabundance of Spacey Jane (don’t tell him that all of their songs sound the same). Just when you think something saucy is about to happen, underneath his vinyl collection, chances are he’ll whip out his guitar and serenade you. Run before it’s too late. 

Gaydar: The Gaydar is going off for his music taste, but anything else is as quiet as his sets
Straightness: 8/10 

The Wannabe DJ 

You may recognise this guy from over the summer: deep in a k-hole at RnV. He’s been a bit bored since then, spending January sitting in his North Shore house all day because mum and dad’s allowance means he doesn’t need a job. So what does he do? Buys a deck to impress all his mates in his business papers. 

Armed with mediocre beats, he brags on a night out that he’ll pull heaps of chicks, offering any beezie within spitting distance for a shoulder ride. He’ll regale you with stories of that one time during Flo/O he got to stand up on stage at the Deathstar host. If this man is your boyfriend, keep a close eye on him on a night out, because he’s gonna tell anybody he meets he’s the ‘King of Castle Street’. He won't, however, tell you that he’s taken and that he actually lives on Leith. Yikes. 

Gaydar: He’s never been cool enough to get invited to do gay shit with ‘The Boys’ 
Straightness: 9/10.

The Rugby Dude

Rugby lads spend their Saturdays tightly pressed up against eight other guys, sweating and grunting the whole time, so there’s not a lot to stop them spending their Saturday night tightly pressed against you. But first, make sure to ask him about positions – whether he’s a forward or back, of course. Backs are speedier with shaved legs – a little bit twinky even, while forwards are honestly kinda just bears. In any conversation with The Rugby Dude, you’ll be constantly  reminded that they play in the first XV as you think to yourself, “I didn’t realise we had one of those.” Just don't expect much in the way of long sentences; all the headgear in the world and he's still got more concussions than drinks in him. Deep talk doesn’t matter anyway, cos what is rugby if not talking with your body? Sounds sensual. 

The typical Rugby Dude Saturday starts with meeting up with the boys in the locker room to compare penis size, taking “dick measuring contest” far too literally. You know his favourite part of the game is the scrum, giving the homies a supportive slap on the ass before sticking their heads in between those round apple bottoms, trying not to fantasise about a human centipede-type scenario. “What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room” is a popular quote, and when you have twenty three guys showering together it's bound to get a little weird. If you’ve figured out that said Rugby Dude goes for balls outside of the ruck too, make sure to ask one last thing: Does he want you to finish on his half back, or full back? 

Gaydar: A community shower for two by the looks of it
Straightness: 1.5/10

This article first appeared in Issue 12, 2024.
Posted 10:13pm Sunday 19th May 2024 by Jonathan McCabe and Gryffin Powell.