Welcome to the Dummy's Guide to Travelling to Hawai’i, where we'll show you how to turn a dream vacation into a nightmare of confusion, frustration, and inefficiency. Who needs simplicity and relaxation when you can make everything needlessly complex? It's time to discuss the epidemic of over-tourism and the astonishing fact that only dumbasses seem to be visiting Hawai'i during this period of crisis. Yes, you heard it right: only the most obtuse among us are flocking to this island paradise instead of practising our "aloha" from afar.
Hawai'i, a place known for its stunning natural beauty, rich cultural heritage, and unique ecosystem, is facing an existential crisis. The islands are under siege by hordes of tourists who have seemingly thrown reason out of the window to embark on a journey of relentless Instagram posts and clueless wandering. So, if that sounds like you, here are our top tips for a totally groovy time in paradise!
Step 1: Choose the worst time to visit
First thing’s first: ignore those conventional travel tips that suggest visiting during the off-peak season to save money and avoid crowds. Why not go during the most expensive and crowded time of year, like Christmas or summer break? Be sure to book your flights and accommodations at the very last minute, ensuring you pay top dollar for everything - not that any of that money goes to the hosts.
Step 2: Pack everything but the kitchen sink
When packing for your trip, remember to overpack like a pro. You never know when you might need three different snorkel sets, five pairs of shoes or that sweater for the "chilly" Hawai'ian nights (spoiler alert: they don't exist). But don't stop there – leave ample room for impulse souvenir purchases by stuffing your suitcase with a smorgasbord of unnecessary gadgets and at least ten bottles of sunscreen. Who cares if the hotel provides most of what you need? A mini-fridge, coffee maker, and your Nutribullet are absolutely essential for that perfect piña colada experience in your room. After all, who needs the freedom of mobility and a lightweight suitcase when you can have the reassurance of knowing you're fully equipped for any and every unlikely scenario? Besides, if you pack too much junk, you can just leave anything unwanted behind - like buying a cheap tent for a festival so you don’t have to bother packing it up when you leave. It’s not like the islands are running out of room.
Step 3: Disregard the local culture
Because who even has time to understand Hawai'i's local customs and traditions, right? It's much more fun to barge into sacred places, mispronounce Hawai'ian words, and disrespect the locals by assuming they're just there to serve you. After all, what better way to immerse yourself in a new culture than to do the exact opposite? Don't forget to haggle relentlessly in local markets while wearing your "I Heart Hawai'i" t-shirt, as if your souvenir shopping experience wouldn't be complete without asserting your dominance as a bargain-hunting tourist. And when you encounter a language barrier, just speak louder and slower in English; surely the locals will appreciate your creative communication techniques. But it doesn't stop there. Dumbasses are also notorious for their complete disregard of local culture. Instead of immersing themselves in the rich Hawai'ian heritage, you could opt for inauthentic lū’aus where they feast on spam musubi and pineapple pizza (yes, that's a thing). They butcher the pronunciation of “aloha” and wear cheap leis while imagining they've cracked the code of Hawai'ian authenticity #whitetrash.
Step 4: Drive like a maniac
Renting a car? Perfect! Drive like you're auditioning for a Fast and Furious movie. Ignore speed limits, road signs and that annoying left turn signal. Bonus points for parking in no-parking zones, blocking driveways, and taking up two spaces in crowded lots. Remember, you're not just a tourist; you're a road warrior, leaving your tire marks of defiance on the island's highways and byways.
Step 5: Get lost on purpose
Exploring the island is overrated. Wander aimlessly, ignore GPS directions and make sure to hike off the beaten path without any provisions. Don't inform anyone of your whereabouts, and be sure to blame Google Maps when you eventually need a rescue mission. It's all part of the charm of this tropical paradise, where every wrong turn leads to a new, unexpected adventure. Who knew paradise was so taxing?
Step 6: Eat at chain restaurants
Why try local cuisine when you can stick to the familiar? Opt for fast-food chains you can find back home. Who needs the thrill of savouring fresh seafood caught from the crystal-clear Hawai'ian waters or indulging in the exotic, aromatic flavours of the islands when you can have yet another round of the quintessential burgers and fries? Go ahead, miss out on the culinary treasures that Hawai'i has to offer, and stick with the same old fast-food favourites - because nothing says "adventure" like chicken nuggets.
Step 7: Document everything for social media
Your vacation isn't real until you've posted every detail on social media. Spend more time
taking photos than actually experiencing the beauty around you. Bonus points for using heavy filters and hashtagging every word in your captions. Prioritise your online presence over in-person experiences, because in today's world, it's not about living in the moment; it's about crafting the perfect digital version of it. After all, what's the point of a vacation if it's not expertly curated for your followers' envy and approval?
Congratulations, you've successfully turned your dream vacation into a travel nightmare! While others may come to Hawai'i to relax and enjoy the natural beauty and culture, you've shown that you can make it as complicated and unenjoyable as possible. Remember, the key to being a dummy traveller is to ignore all common sense and make sure you have plenty of stories to tell about how you did everything wrong. Aloha, and good luck!
Step 8: Stay somewhere that reminds you as much as possible of home
Now, let's talk about accommodations. The dumbasses prefer staying in massive resorts that resemble, well, exactly where they came from: complete with golf courses, water parks, and oversized meals. Why experience the natural beauty of Hawai'i when you can be herded like cattle through a buffet line right next to the fried chicken and mac 'n’ cheese station? Breadfruit? Get real.