Uncle Howie | Issue 9

Uncle Howie | Issue 9

Dear Howie,
Iíve started dating this new girl, and sheís pretty high class Ė private schools, dad owns a yacht, all that jazz. Iím a bit worried that my humble upbringing is going to be a problem for her. Youíre a classy cat; how can I turn on the class myself and make sure I donít loose this dame?
Poor Boy

Well done buddy! We all know how hard it can be to snag a classy girl around these parts. Thereís always a risk with these relationships that sheís just slumming it for a while Ė possibly to try and piss off daddy Ė before she goes back to her own kind. My advice: Donít change, and donít worry about it; just take it as it comes and have some fun living the high life. Plus with that whole yacht situation you could quite possibly play ďIím on a boatĒ and ďI just had sexĒ one after the other, and have it be totally true.

Dear Howie,
I really like this guy that Iíve snagged. Heís tall, cute, pretty smart too. But the other night he came and stayed at mine after being OTP, and Iím pretty sure he wet the bed. It was cold and damp when we woke up in the morning, and Iíve got no idea how it could have happened otherwise. He didnít say anything in the morning, just got up and bailed. What the fuck dude?
Pissed On

Ah, the age-old fire truck. This is in no way a new problem; young men have been pissing their pants/beds after hitting the piss for, well, forever probably. Of course, it gets slightly more annoying when there is someone else in the bed with them.
There isnít much that you can do to stop a chronic firetrucker Ė possibly invest in some plastic sheets, but thatís hardly going to keep you dry now is it? Iíd say that you just have to kick him out of bed after youíre done with him after heís been on the piss. Let him go home and piss in his own bed.
H. Staples

If you want to ask Howie for advice, email him at critic@critic.co.nz
This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2012.
Posted 4:56pm Sunday 29th April 2012 by Uncle Howie.