Uncle Howie

Uncle Howie

Dear Howie,
I recently met a stunning redhead named Suzy outside Metro one balmy Saturday night. Needless to say, the attraction was instant and things got hot and heavy fast. The thing is, Suzy would like me to perform something in the bedroom, and Iím not exactly confident in my abilities. She wants me to, you know, go down Ö there. Frankly, I am worried the end result will be less than sensual. Anyway, round two is fast approaching. I tried to practise on a Rob Roy ice cream, but I think I was a bit too aggressive. I ended up with chocolate running down my chin and hokey pokey all over my chinos. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I hope you can help. I only want to please a woman.
Not a cunning linguist.

Well for a start, it sounds like Suzy is a keeper. Red hair, mystique and craving cunnalingis? Blimey. Thereís no point in beating around the bush ... itís best not to just dive straight down there like a dog over hot chips, some grace is needed. Donít be overzealous with the tongue. There is absolutely no need to be stabbing around below like a mad man. A gentle and rhythmic approach can be a crowd pleaser, but in general it is best to simply discuss with your partner what they like. Take your time, communicate with Suzy and most importantly just enjoy it. . Good luck young man.

Dear Howie,
I recently moved into Toroa College, and Iím loving it. On my floor, there is this one really attractive girl. Seriously, sheís like a 10. Anyway, last night, at about 11pm, she came to my room. She was really forward, and made it clear that she wanted something to happen between us. Great right? However, earlier in the night I had seen her drinking a beer, so I thought she might have been tipsy, or even drunk. So I took her to college security, and alerted the Dean to her behaviour.
Did I do the right thing?
Seriously Suspicious

I donít think youíre made for Dunedin, you utter imbecile.
Love, Howie

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2012.
Posted 5:32pm Friday 24th February 2012 by Uncle Howie.