Uncle Howie | Issue 2

Uncle Howie | Issue 2

Dear Howie
I was out at Monkey on Saturday night getting my skux on, and I noticed that for each hot girl, there were like 10 guys dancing around her. What the hell man, canít a guy have a lady to himself anymore?
Ė Still solo

Hi mate,
The ďSex PitĒ of any dance floor is a dangerous environment for all involved. You are at high risk of getting stabbed by a wayward erect penis regardless of your gender. The ladies in Monkey are simply there to build their own self-esteem by teasing the young bucks with grinding, flirtation and occasional ďthrough-the-jeans dick rubĒ. Keep an eye out for the girls without a parade of men in tow. They can often provide a far more stimulating conversation and also a much quicker path to coitus.
- Howie

Dear Howie.
Um, dude, are you actually a cat? I feel kind of weird asking a cat for advice. But then again, I canít think who else to ask. See, Iím a guy right. I play rugby, Iíve got a mean hot missus, I drink beer, hang out with the boys. Anyway, the other night after a few too many rounds of SoGos, I ended up in bed with my flatmate. My flatmate Jamie. My male flatmate Jamie.
Apart from taking screwing the crew to a whole-nother level, I have no idea what to do. Am I gay now? Cause Iíd kind of like to keep fucking my girlfriend too if thatís possible.
Ė Bruised and confused

Hi buddy,
I understand itís strange seeking advice from a feline but I can tell you right now, Iíve seen a lot of pussy. In my experience, fucking a man, flatmate or no, does tend to suggest that you may have some suppressed homosexual tendancies. But who gives a fuck? Carpe diem. You gave something new a go, and maybe you liked it? At the end of the day itís something youíll never forget, and one day you can tell the grandchildren. I would suggest stopping bumming your flatmate if you want to jump back in the sack with your girlfriend.
- Howie

If you want to ask Howie for advice, email him at critic@critic.co.nz

This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2012.
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 4th March 2012 by Uncle Howie.