Uncle Howie | Issue 3

Uncle Howie | Issue 3

Hey Howie,
So thereís this really hot chick on my floor. In fact she is just across the hall from me. Weíre great friends and get on really well. Iíd love to hook up with her, but Iím not sure if I can handle the awkward morning after experience. Iíd be pretty gutted if she came home with someone else to be honest.
What the hell should I do?

Sup mate,
If you really like this girl, go for it Ė donít let her be the one that got away. A really pretty girl in Dunedin is hard to come by and it sounds like youíve found a diamond in the rough. I am not totally sure what youíre implying by ďawkward experiencesĒ, but if youíre referring to the exaggerated morning-after stories that circulate in halls donít fret, as theyíre often untrue. Step it up mate and give it a crack. As Mark Twain put it, ďten years from now you will be more disappointed by the people you havenít done than by the ones you have.Ē
God Speed,

Dear Howie,
Last Saturday I had a night out with the girls. We headed to the Cook and soon enough we were creeping around the dance floor. I found a nice young man from UniCol and I decided to take him back to my flat. After some not-so-subtle hints I decided to attempt to give him a good time. There was, however, one problem Ė he was as soft as a sponge. I was down there for what seemed like hours before I gave up. How long should a girl attempt to tame a manís junk before itís time to throw in the towel?

Hi buddy,
I probably wouldnít stay down there too long Ė if he hasnít got a cocksicle after a few minutes, itís probably not going to happen. At the end of the day itís not an erotic experience and itís not going anywhere. I can imagine the act of sucking on a limp phallus is not the most dignified way to finish your night out with the girls, nor is the most exultant thing for your gentleman. In future maybe test the water with some hand relief just to check his soldierís still standing.
Keep it up!


(email howie at critic@critic.co.nz)
This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2012.
Posted 6:37pm Sunday 11th March 2012 by Uncle Howie.