Archive

Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”

Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...

American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo

Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...

Classmate You Think is Smart Actually Just Blindly Confident

Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Think about it. You know the person I’m talking about. You trust what they say when they give you advice because it sounds good, not because it’s obviously correct. They don’t even believe what they’re saying, they’re just using you as a sounding board to see if you Read more...

It’s Time to Return All the Dishware You’ve Been Hoarding in Your Bedroom to the Kitchen

Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

You know who you are. This is your wake-up call. It’s seriously disgusting and the flat needs the other half of their dining supplies. People are starting to get desperate. Yesterday, one of your flatmates used their textbook as a plate because you’ve got the other six stacked up next to Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Admission to Submission

Posted 6:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

It all started with my drunken admission of my dream threesome with my two besties, Elle* and Jay*. To put this in context, my dry spell had lasted months and was now bleeding into my first year of Uni. Surprisingly this suggestion actually led somewhere. It is decided that the threesome shall be Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore

Posted 6:42pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Adam Sandler My date greeted me with a nervous but sweet smile and a Read more...

Top 10 ways to tell someone you have an STI

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

Emojis. There’s no better way to tell your Tinder hookup from a month ago about your pubic lice than sending a crab and eggplant emoji side by side. Hire a sky writer to write a message announcing your chlamydia. The sky’s the limit. Make a public declaration on Facebook. Bonus Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 09

Posted 2:06am Friday 26th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT are being heartbreakingly self-aware.   For some reason, there was a lot of feet related content this week.     Really? Because when I walked into the polling booth on my hands and picked up the pen with my prehensile toes, they called me an Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

Two years ago, I had been out on a date with my (now ex) girlfriend. We'd gotten back into her sleep out at her parents place and were going at it like a couple of pornstars. Despite both of us being really into it, we'd be going for awhile, and didn't have any lube. As we were doing Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 09

Posted 8:56pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Pluto is going to be in your spiritual zone until exam time so be careful about going to $3 lunch from now on. One more “hello smiley” directed at you might send you over the edge and before you know it you’ll be the one in the kitchen chanting while Read more...