Archive

Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...

Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison

Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...

Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital

Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone

Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 19

Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...

Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall

Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...

Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin

Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...

Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...