David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...

Clarke Gayford to Step Down from Spending Time with Family to Spend More Time with Family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

Following explosive reports from the NZ Herald that he was “cringey,” and “had an e at the end of his name,” Clarke Gayford has stepped down from his unelected, unpaid public role. “I can’t continue in my position as a ‘guy who likes fishing and banging Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

Manhunt for Jaywalker Enters 48th Hour

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

A citywide search for a criminal crosser has been ongoing since Tuesday afternoon. Dunedin crimester Mathew Denys was spotted crossing the road without a green man by a concerned citizen who contacted police. Police Constable James Everest said “we’ve come close to catching him a few Read more...

Student Claims 1/64th Heritage to Justify Offensive Hyde St Costume

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

“I’ve been on Ancestry.com, that means I can dress like a chola,” claims local third year student Becky Kane upon purchasing her Hyde St keg party costume. Kane justified her lazily stereotypical costume of a Mexican drug cartel member through “watching Narcos” and Read more...

Man Returns From Dead to Ask: “U Up?”

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

Several mourners of late Dunedin man Chaz Chadderson (19) were shocked to receive a text from him at 2am on Sunday morning. Chadderson, an active participant in the Dunedin community, had been memorialised after he went missing and was assumed dead. Kelsey Summers, Bianca Laurens, Patricia Read more...

Ed Sheeran Says Dunedin ‘Kinda Clingy’

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Mel Ansell

Ed Sheeran is reportedly “disturbed” by Dunedin misinterpreting his desire for a one-weekend no holds barred, no strings attached song-fest. He said he’d come to Dunedin making it clear he was only here for “a good time, not a long time”. It was unusual for Sheeran to Read more...

DCC Planning Controversial Merger with Comics Giant DC

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

In a move that is angering fans of the local government authority, the Dunedin City Council has announced a merger with Detective Comics. “Nothing in the DC Universe persuades me that they have any respect for city councils,” said one die-hard fan of the DCC. “Their Read more...

Experts Confirm Grant Robertson Would Be Fucking Great to Get on the Piss with

Posted 9:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Minister of Finance has been assessed by experts who have confirmed that he would be able to sink a lot of piss and entertain people with his belly laughs. Robertson confirmed this, saying “Yeah, fucking oath. I’m an old school rooster.” The former OUSA President said he only Read more...

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