Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week

Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...

Local Student Gives One of Dunedin’s Walking Tracks a Go, Cures Depression

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

George West, Law and Philosophy student, had tried everything to cure his seasonal depression. He just thought that he was pushing through it when James Heath announced that he was not running for 2020 OUSA president, making him hit an all time low. “I just didn’t know how to snap out of Read more...

Lecturer Wasted on Holiday in Queenstown Freezes in Fear Upon Seeing Students

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Microbiology lecturer, Sarah Doctorindahouse, was minding her own business getting completely written off on holiday when she spied some of her students peering over at her in the club. "I just wanted to get fucked up on MDMA on a well-deserved break, but now these cunts are going to be Read more...

Wearing Speed Dealer Glasses at Drinking Events Scientifically Proven As a Great Personality Replacement

Posted 11:50pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a recent study undertaken by the University of Otago Psychology Department, participants with a profound lack of personality were found to be liked more by others when wearing quirky shades. This finding was not to the surprise of students interviewed, with one student saying, “that kient Read more...

Teenager in Polo Cap and Oversized Vintage Tee to Headline Laneway 2020

Posted 11:51pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Laneway’s recent 2020 line up announcement has declared local Auckland talent, Josh Smith (not that Josh Smith) as headliner for this year’s event. A so-called ‘man of the people’ Josh looks forward to playing Mac DeMarco’s Spotify radio algorithm from his decks while Read more...

Study: Flatmate’s Dishes Date Back to the Neolithic Era

Posted 11:45pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In groundbreaking new research, local Archaeology student Penny Tration has successfully dated her flatmate's dishes back to the early Neolithic. “By observing the remains of homo flatematus we can learn valuable things about their habits and lifestyle. For example, prior to this study Read more...

Local Goth Pleased to Find They’re Accidentally Supporting Thursdays in Black

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Let me get this straight,” said Dunedin goth Jonathan “Blood Dread” Brown. “All I’ve got to do to show my support for survivors of sexual violence is to wear black one day a week? I’ve been wearing black every day since I was 13 and heard Green Day for the Read more...

Clocktower Goblin Made Redundant as University Updates to Automated Bells

Posted 11:47pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago University’s resident hunchback finds himself newly unemployed as the proctor installs an automated striking clock system, rendering Bogdan Bogusław’s hourly bell ringing obsolete. For the last 89 years, Bogdan has faithfully squatted behind the clock face, pulling the Read more...

Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street

Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...

Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year

Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...