Mixers are the unsung heroes of alcohol, the pleasure to balance the pain of spirits. Anything can be a mixer if you’re brave enough, but I really did have to narrow down the selection to only the most practical options. Rather than going through every type of soft drink and fruit juice, I just decided to totally exclude them because they are boring and even a fresher knows that mixing fruit juice and vodka makes the bad taste go away.
Milk is high in calcium, and Fonterra has taught me that if we don’t drink it we will literally collapse into spineless puddles. Because milk is good for your bones it is an essential mixer for minimising injuries if you frequently fall over on the piss. The creaminess somewhat reduces the taste of alcohol in many spirits, but it is a struggle to keep down and you do look a bit strange drinking milk from a drink bottle. Put it into a soda stream for a fizzy kick.
Pros: bone health
Cons: not easy to keep down
Red Bull may be expensive, unless you win Critic snap of the week, then you get a fuckload. The pro is that it can be mixed with literally anything and tastes good. It also contains caffeine which is fantastic, although it does limit the amount you can have unless you want to stay up until five in the morning.
Pros: caffeine, versatility
Coffee is good, of course, but as a mixer it’s a bit much. Not only is it more of a study drink than a drinking drink, it is also a hazard to make when you are drunk because of all the boiling hot water involved. It also gives you bad breath which is not the go on a night out, and it stains your teeth.
Cons: third degree burns, coffee breath, yellow teeth
Egg whites are an essential mixer for those gym bros that want to break up the depressing monotony of their lives with a night out, but don’t want to lose their hard-earned gains doing so. Egg whites are high in protein and low in flavour, which is perfect if you have only eaten boiled, unseasoned chicken breast for your entire adult life.
Pros: protein, makes drinks foamy and cool
Cons: a little gross, salmonella
If you’re super organised and have already acquired some powerade to cope with your hangover, just use it as a mixer. It is literally impossible to get a hangover if you are already drinking a powerade. However, if you have an extremely big night you may traumatise yourself and create an association with the taste of powerade and alcohol which would not help your recovery.
Pros: Electrolytes, hangover over
Cons: Expensive, may ruin powerade
Lemons are cheap as fuck and vitamin C rich so it is literally impossible to get sick after mixing a drink flavoured with lemons. However, it can get pretty acidic and give you heartburn. Will save the life of all those fucks who only eat ramen and chicken drumsticks.
Pros: staves off scurvy
Cons: insides being on fire
Beer is already alcoholic which is a bonus because it somehow goes a long way to masking the flavour of other alcohols. While many people may frown as you add a dash of whiskey to your double brown, you will totally forget about being judged when you are shitfaced. Beer goes exceptionally well with a variety of spirits, in particular whiskey, kahlua, and tequila.
Pros: gets you fucked
Cons: seen by many as a descent into alcoholism
At the point where you are using water to dilute spirits, just bite the bullet and drink it straight, your life is already at rock bottom.
Pros: extremely cheap
Cons: doesn’t really hid the taste
Water flavouring drops
You can get some water flavouring drops at the supermarket for very cheap, they totally hide the taste of alcohol and only require that you add water to them.
Pros: no alcohol flavour, inexpensive
Cons: can’t see any
Adds a savoury twist to any spirit. The salt and vinegar component masks even the worst tastes, but will dehydrate you, so this one almost certainly requires a follow-up refreshment. Vodka pairs extremely well with pickles, however you can upgrade to pickled jalapenos for a spicy kick which pairs exquisitely as a tequila chaser/ mixer.
Pros: free pickles
Cons: people who haven’t tried it will judge you
This is a similar concept to the Powerade one. The idea here is to stay one step ahead of the hangover. The strong flavour of Berocca totally masks even an extremely generous mix of vodka, the fizziness also serves to get you pretty buzzed.
Pros: masks any alcohol, theoretically eliminates hangovers
Cons: if you go swimming everyone will see when you piss in the pool