Where were you conceived?

Where were you conceived?

You can tell a lot about a person based on where they cum from. Go through these questions and select as many answers as you feel apply to you, and then total the score. For example, if answers 1, 2, and 4 applied to you, you’d score 7 for that question. Get out your calculator, and leshgo.


How’s your immune system?

  1. Could have survived The Plague
  2. Best in the flat, not in the world
  3. Fresher Flu every year but that’s about it
  4. Clinically dependent on Lem Sip
  5. Illness is a constant threat to my existence


What’s your parent’s relationship like?

  1. People want to adopt into my family
  2. Charming, if not a little boring
  3. I’ve definitely heard them yell at each other a few times
  4. Best thing for them would be a divorce, honestly
  5. They won’t talk to each other so I have to relay messages for them


What sibling are you?

  1. Only child
  2. Eldest child
  3. Middle of the pack
  4. Baby of the family
  5. I don’t even know how many siblings I have


Describe your Dad’s vibe

  1. All day at the office Dad
  2. DILF 
  3. Hawaiian shirt BBQ dad
  4. Overweight, middle-aged, short-tempered Dad
  5. Never met him


Describe your Mum’s vibe

  1. Nationally recognized athlete at 50
  2. Weekly yoga before farmers market
  3. Microwave chef
  4. Drowns sorrows in wine
  5. Sold my textbooks for gear


What was playing in the car as a kid?

  1. Signed Split Enz EP’s
  2. RNZ 
  3. Christian Rock
  4. Fat Freddy’s Drop
  5. Mediocre mixtape that my Dad made when he was at uni


What’s your profile picture like?

  1. Don’t have social media
  2. It’s been the same for three years
  3. Grad photo
  4. Group photo with the mates
  5. Holding a fish or making a duck face


Which Wii Sports sport are you?

  1. Tennis
  2. Golf
  3. Baseball
  4. Boxing
  5. Bowling


Your Scores:

Under 15: You were made in a lab. Your parents designed the physically perfect human, free from the perils of anthropological existence. They did not have the genes to create you, so they created those genes. You are a cold product of science. You have no friends. You barely have family. All you have is an impenetrable immune system and groovy hair.

16-20: You were conceived either in the sex shacks at Gloriavale, or somewhere analogous to that. Somewhere where newlywed couples go to shag it out while other people pretend like they don’t know what’s going on. There were lace doilies on the bedside table. Curtains were pulled for dramatic effect. Your Dad lasted about 45 seconds.

21-24: You were conceived on a tramp. Your Dad “forgot” to bring condoms, and in a heated hilltop session, he also “forgot” to pull out. Three days into the hike and neither party was willing to pull the PLB to get some P-L-Plan B. That’s a Personal Locator Beacon, for those of you who don’t go outside. The young couple weighed up the situation tenderly, and decided mutually that this was a happy accident, and that they would try their best to give this child a life of peace and opportunity. 

25-29: You were conceived in a queen-sized bed with no headboard. It was in a musty, if not ubiquitous flat, maybe in Dunedin, maybe not. The house was not empty, and everyone heard the moment of your conception. After the deed was done, your Mum didn’t pee, and she got a UTI. Your parents had been going steady for a while, and while this wasn’t planned, it certainly wasn’t a surprise. 

30-34: You were conceived as part of an affair and likely ruined your parents’ marriage. Great job, asshole.

35-39: The day’s porn shoot called for some gnarly closeups, and your Mum knew she could make a quick buck by getting the ‘money shot’ done. A chemical reaction between her birth control and an experimental margarita the night before rendered her impregnable. After the shoot, your parents parted ways, never again to meet, never again to realize the weight of their decisions. 

Over 40: You were conceived by strangers in a festival portaloo. The music wasn’t even good. The bacterial environment ought to have been inhospitable for sperm, but you survived. You lay dormant on the walls and seat of that portaloo for hours. Your brother and sister sperm were adventurous folk, swimming up the legs and vaginal canals of many party-goers on that fateful afternoon. There’s a reason people always tell you “wow, you look just like so-and-so!” Like a geared up Ghengis Khan, your dad’s spillage accidentally birthed an entire generation of burnouts.

This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2021.
Posted 5:38pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic.