What Coping Mechanism Are You?

What Coping Mechanism Are You?

  1. How long have you been in Dunedin?

a.              Less than 2 years                      (1)

b.             2 or more years             (2)

c.               Whole life                                 (3)

d.              Summers up North                    (4)


2. Where do you usually spend a Tuesday night?

a.              Carousel                                               (1)

b.             Volunteering                                         (2)       

c.               At the gym                                            (3)

d.              Underground warehouse rave    (4)


3. What is the longest you’ve gone without cleaning your room?

a.              Eh, a week?                  (1)

b.             I’m never home (2)

c.               6 weeks                        (3)

d.              5 hours             (4)


4. Have you talked to your parents recently?

a.              Define “talked”              (1)                               

b.             Passively                      (2)       

c.               Every. Single. Day.        (3)       

d.              Weekly check-in (4)


5. Have you ever had a relationship where you felt known?

a.              What the fuck is that                   (1)

b.             I <3 my mommy                        (2)

c.               My partner is my therapist         (3)

d.              I’m engaged                             (4)


6. What is the best description of your current relationship status?

a.              Sunday Beezy                                                  (1)

b.             Making out in the Suburbia line              (2)

c.               Engaged                                                           (3)

d.              Being ghosted by people less hot than you      (4)


7. How often do you go to the gym?

a.              Hah, no.                                                                       (1)

b.             Passively                                                          (2)       

c.               Every. Single. Day.                                            (3)

d.              Does yoga and yoni meditation count?    (4)


8. How would you describe your bedroom aesthetic?

a.              Pinterest is not dead!                                        (1)

b.             Saturdays are for The Boys                               (2)

c.               Tapestries. No wall visible.                                (3)

d.              The only colour is the navy blue sheets               (4)


Your Coping Mechanism:

8 - 12: Oversharing to Strangers

You are known for getting a little too fucked on a Wednesday and justifying your absent relationship with your father to some random in the Pint Night line. 

Alternatives: Therapy, a sense of self, more vitamins. 


13 - 16: Substance Abuse

You don’t get to live in Dunedin without having at least a minor substance abuse problem, call it part of the culture and hope it leaves when you do.

Alternatives: Communicating with your friends, 0% Heineken, meditation.


17 - 25: Repression

You have never once allowed yourself to experience a Single Feeling, I hope that allowing people to never get to know the real you is working out well.

Alternatives: Fucking crying for once, sleepovers, hallucinogens.


26 - 38: Volunteering

Wow, you really said, “let’s make people-pleasing a hobby” and committed. I have to commend your spirit though because I fucking love those free churros.

Alternatives: Getting a fucking life, masturbation, smoking a joint.


39 - 52: Supplements 

I don’t know how to tell you, but going to the gym so you don’t literally kill someone is NOT how you deal with trauma. Buying gym clothes and only talking about plain chicken breast is not nearly as impressive as you think it is.

Alternatives: Therapy, hedonism, yoga.


52 - 69 (nice): Past Life Regression and Herbal Cigarettes

The world in your head is as close as reality gets to a Lana Del Ray album. Stop being a pussy, smoke a real cigarette and get a sugar daddy. If you’re going to do it, fucking commit.

Alternatives: Having good taste in music, chewing tobacco, a Seeking Arrangements account.



This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2021.
Posted 11:23pm Tuesday 2nd March 2021 by Sophia Carter Peters.