What do Shego, Velma and Kiera Knightly in Pirates of the Caribbean have in common? They’re all female characters I had a crush on in childhood. I’ve always known I was attracted to women. Conversely, I’d always been attracted to men. For most of my life I’d been happy identifying as straight--after all, if I liked men, there was no way I could like women as well, right? Then, in high school, the word bisexual came into my vernacular; but I was reluctant to put that label on myself. How did I know I liked women? I felt like I had to fulfil some checklist, or meet some requirements to use the label, and it all seemed like too much of a hassle with a capital H. It seemed wrong somehow, and if I had to pick, I was much more comfortable with the heteronormative narrative of dating men. Before I even knew what the term really meant, I had internalised much of the biphobia that bisexual people face today.
Queer theory, an established field of sociological research, defines bisexuality as the opposite of monosexuality, which encompasses individuals who experience attraction towards only one sex or gender. Although a seemingly simple definition, bisexual people may experience attraction towards different genders differently, and misconceptions around the term often lead to biphobia in both the general and LGBTQIA+ community. People who identify as bisexual often also have their own relationship with the label, and many different reasons for identifying with it. So, really, what does being bisexual mean?
For Oliver*, “sexual and romantic attraction aren’t contingent on someone’s gender or sex”. This sentiment was echoed by Sophia, who said that “I don’t see why genitalia should be the defining factor of why I like a person”. Nicholas and Iman* explained their bisexuality as an understanding that they are romantically and sexually attracted to both men and women.
Bisexuality and pansexuality often come under the same umbrella, and individuals may identify with one or the other or both, as they are both terms used to describe a non-monosexual identity. Different people may have their own interpretations of what the distinction between these identities are. Oliver, for example, sees pansexuality as genderless attraction, compared to bisexuality, where sexual attraction is manifested differently for different genders: “So although you’re still attracted to multiple genders, you experience that in a different way. It’s not indiscriminate.”
Oliver’s explanation offers some insight into the challenges that bisexual people face in both the queer and straight community. Many of the bisexual people we interviewed expressed frustration around the misconception that bisexuality refers to and re-inforces the gender binary: that is, that bi means either female or male sexual attraction.
“I was told by multiple people that bisexuality meant male or female,” said Sinead. She only came out in 2014, but said, back then, the queer friends she had never discussed where non-binary or trans people fit in different sexualities. “Bisexuality was characterised to me as male or female, but that if you’re open to people [in general] then you’re pansexual.” Now she knows that is not the correct definition of bisexuality, but it defined how she identified herself for a long time.
“It’s hard to feel accepted. You want to feel like you belong somewhere … I just wanted to do whatever I could to understand myself, but belong to this other community, and feel queer enough.”
For many people, the idea that bisexuality is not queer or straight enough is one of the biggest barriers to acceptance in from both the queer and straight world. For Sophia, that manifests in feeling “guilty … like I’m not trying hard enough to be dating women.” She said that she faces “lots of prejudice, and bi erasure” in the LGBTQIA+ community, due to the idea that any heterosexual attraction invalidates her queerness. In the straight community, Sophia finds that her sexuality is fetishised through a straight lens. “Women are on the back foot, [they’re perceived] as being subservient to men and the more women subservient to you the better. But my attraction for women is for me, not for male pleasure.”
Nicholas had a similar experience, noting that his bisexuality causes him to be deemed as “not straight enough”, or that he was “hiding”; he said “some gay people say [that] you’re not gay enough, or ask if you’re straight. For men particularly, gay people are quite anti [bi]... both [communities] can be quite distrusting of the term, especially coming from a cis male.”
“It’s the worst of both worlds,” he said, being labelled “in this in between”.
The idea that bisexuality adheres to a binary also gives rise to the idea that bisexual people have to experience their attraction to genders equally.
“Bisexuality isn’t a perfect division of male or female or in between,” said Sinead. “For me, I’m primarily attracted to women.” For others, there may not even be a clear line. Sophia said that “like all things, bisexuality is a spectrum,” and added that this spectrum is often weaponised against bisexual people to invalidate or vilify their sexual orientation.
Sexual attraction “can change almost week by week and day by day … it’s different from person to person ... there doesn’t need to be percentages, [it doesn’t] need to be quantified, there’s no threshold you need to meet or criteria,” said Nicholas. Oliver said that even if they wanted to, that attraction can’t be quantified. “Bisexual people feel like they have to justify their bisexuality by proving that it is both. You can still identify as bisexual and have a preference, because when it comes to who you end up with, it’s just the person and the circumstances.”
“People have a lot of trouble thinking outside of absolutes, and bisexuality really stresses people out because they have to accept that it’s outside of absolute terms.”
Iman said that she has been in relationships with far more men than women, however “I’m actually more sexually attracted to women than I am men”.
When asked what they wished they could change about how bisexuality is perceived, many of our interviewees simply said that they wanted their identity to be seen as valid.
“I would change the common perception that bisexuals are just seeking attention,” said Iman. “Women who are bisexual are often perceived to be girls who are straight but just want more male attention … whereas men who are bisexual are perceived as gay and are ‘in denial’ about it.”
“People can better support bisexuals by validating our sexuality and not questioning us.”
*Names changed.
OUSA Student Support has a Queer Coordinator. If anyone is questioning their sexuality and wants someone to talk to in confidence, then get in touch with the team at 5 Ethel Benjamin Place, or 03-479 5449.