Those of you who know me, and that’s hardly anyone, will know that I am a master of rating things. As a serious investigative journalist, I have tirelessly devoted the past fortnight to unravelling the mysteries of crying places, otherwise known as “wet spots”. Also, I had a whole bunch of mid-term tests so the crying was happening anyway, a happy coincidence.

My judgement scale, as usual, is comprehensive and succinct. I rated the places based off of five incredibly important details:

1 - Does the place have good ambience?

2 - Does this place offer good privacy?

3 - Does it feel cathartic to cry here?

4 - When I cry here, do I feel like I’m in an indie movie?

5 - Is it close to fast food for post-crying sustenance?

 

Castle Street Walk

3/5

It's quite a nice, scenic place to cry. The bridge itself is rustic and old-fashioned (like antique, not homophobic), and the sound of the Leith is quite soothing. In ,en just watching the Leith can also be calming. I felt like I was in a Wes Anderson film, but with less sepia tone. On the downside, it's right out in the open so not only will people be able to see you, they'll be able to hear you too. Also, it’s a bit far away from all of the fast food places, and I’m too scared to eat at The Good Earth because I’m worried it’s flat. Zing.

Helpful hint: Cry here at night, it's less busy.

 

Under the Bridge near the Pacific Islands Centre

3/5

It took me a bit of looking to find this place but it was worth it. It’s far enough away from the main uni buildings to give a sense of solitude, but close enough to walk there easily. Because of this, it’s usually not that busy and offers privacy. And it’s wheelchair accessible, which is a plus. As far as ambience goes, it has a kind of rough, industrial vibe to it, so I did feel like I was in some sort of indie movie. Imagine Fight Club but without any fighting.

Helpful hint: Don’t cry here at night.

 

Behind the Richardson Building

4/5

I’m a farm boy, so I like being around nature. While being covered in leaves and watching the cute ducks (AMAZING) swim in the Leith isn’t quite the same as slipping in shit on a sheep farm, I still felt connected to the earth. Because of that, and despite the lack of privacy, it was nice to let go here. It was relaxing and kind of serene, and because I was facing the Leith no one could stare at my sad, puffed-up crying face.

Helpful hint: If you don’t like insects, don’t lean on the walls, the aphids will crawl all over you.

 

Science Library

3/5

For starters, it’s the Science Library - so people are used to other people crying in here. It’s not as busy as I thought it would be, but there are also lots of nooks and crannies to hide in if you don’t want to be seen. It’s not exactly close to fast food, but you could go to Couplands afterwards for a doughnut.

Helpful hint: Don’t mix this one up with the Health Sciences Library; I went there and I almost died.

 

Maccas Bathroom

4/5

While technically not on Uni property, it is the watering hole for many students. There’s something quite nice and melancholic about this place. The feeling of walking there at one in the morning, ordering a Big Mac and crying in the bathroom is great if you want to wallow in self-pity. Also, not that many people actually use the Maccas bathroom, so it's usually empty. But if someone does walk in, just remember what Jesus said: "whoever is without poor life choices may throw the first shade".

Helpful hint: Download the Maccas app for cheaper food. The regret is tied to how much money you spend.

 

Toilets near the Toroa Dining Room

3/5

These bathrooms aren't very well known at University, so you're usually given a decent amount of privacy and, if you’re hungry afterwards, you can go have lunch in the Toroa dining room; that’s what I did. But don’t forget, it’s still a bathroom, so the only indie movie this reminds me of is Juno. Not exactly a scenic sanctuary.

Helpful hint: If you don't want people to hear you, then you can just repeatedly flush the toilet.

 

DI&S Study Room in Burns

3/5

You need special access to use this room, but in the whole time I've been using it I've only ever had other people there twice. Which is to say that it's great for privacy. It’s also quiet, which can help you focus your thoughts, and as everyone knows, thinking a lot is really helpful when you’re crying. Crying in here did feel like a movie, probably not indie, maybe the Breakfast Club.

Helpful hint: Don’t cry here if you don’t have access.

 

Freya’s Chair in Union Lawn

4/5

No jokes or puns for this one, it’s just a genuinely nice place. It felt good to cry here. It was comfortable and peaceful. Also, it’s far enough back from the footpath so you won’t feel like you’re sacrificing all of your privacy. Honestly, this place was so nice I could have easily fallen asleep quite peacefully. Also, it’s close to Union Grill, so you can go for some fries after your cry.

Helpful hint: If you don’t want anyone to see you, just sit behind the chair or the trees.