How to make a Spag Bol that isnít shit.

How to make a Spag Bol that isnít shit.

The Scarfie Chef Ė a drunk Jamie Oliver who isnít nearly as good at cooking.

A spag bol is a lot like a hand job – it can be a good old-fashioned time, or it can be uncomfortable, boring and leave you wanting something more exciting. In other words, a lot of flat spag bols taste like Bill English’s personality. Using this recipe you can ditch the Bill-flavoured feed for a saucy red option that everybody wants a piece of, and helps students’ bank accounts.

  1. Righto, so spag bol always has mince (unless you’re vego – in which case add lentils) so let’s start with that. The key here is to brown your mince in the pan for a decent length of time to get that fried meat flavour that everyone loves. Just don’t overload the pan with mince, otherwise it’ll boil in its own juice instead of turning that beautiful brown colour.
  2. You can simultaneously fry some onions until they’re softened. These bad boys are the backbone of any half respectable flat meal. So if your flatmates are picky just tell them that they need to be more cultured and deal with it. At this point you want to add some garlic, I don’t care if it’s fresh or from a jar, just go crazy and put as much in as you please, garlic is the tits!
  3. Now it’s time to crack into your red goon. I’d recommend either a Longridge or Banrock Station. Chuck a splash in to deglaze the pan, but make sure to inhale the fumes so as not to waste any precious alcohol.
  4. From here on it’s easy as fuck; just add a couple cans of chopped tomatoes, some beef or lamb stock and some cheeky herbs. You want oregano and basil for sure, then potentially some thyme, rosemary and bay leaves if you’re really keen.
  5. Then let it simmer for ages – the longer the better. A good hour-long cook is the key to a quality spag sauce. This bolognaise is so basic it’s wearing a striped t-shirt and a puffer vest but if you wanna make it less basic I’d recommend any of the following: bacon, sundried tomatoes, capsicum or spinach.
  6. Next is the pasta. If you don’t know how to cook pasta, how are you still breathing, let alone enrolled at Uni?. Basically, you need a big pot of boiling salted water that you put the pasta in to cook for 10 minutes, give or take (I never time it, just eat some to see if it’s done). You wanna stir it a few times to make sure it isn’t stuck to the bottom. Then just drain it and mix it through the sauce and you’re absolutely golden.

Make this without fucking it up, and it’ll satisfy the flatties more than any hand job ever could.


The Scarfie Chef – a drunk Jamie Oliver who isn’t nearly as good at cooking.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2018.
Posted 4:14pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Lachie Robertson.