Horoscope | Issue 11

Horoscope | Issue 11

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

You’ll be getting a bit highly strung this week, so the best solution will be to put on your best exercise outfit (the one you always post #swole gym selfies in) and stretch in front of the mirrors at Unipol for as long as it takes to get someone’s digits.

Stop tiptoeing around your feelings like a bull in a china shop. Get it together and say what you mean, because time is slipping away! Jupiter is passing through your quadrant, and the opportunity will be lost for months after Mars ascends.  

Get rid of your Twitter account. What is Twitter anyway? How does it work? What does it do? Nobody knows; it’s just a drain on your cellphone battery. Delete, and be free.

You’re usually a very organised person, but sometimes this can make you uptight. Let loose this week by burning your study schedule! Then cover yourself in mashed banana and frolic through the Gardens to The Sound of Music soundtrack.

Feeling like there are untrustworthy people around you this week? You may be onto something here, as Pluto is rising over your friendships this month.

You’re feeling a wee bit precious this week, with Venus being overtaken by Mars in your star zone, so surround yourself with ice cream, chocolate and cakes, and try to keep crying in public to a minimum.

Do not trust yourself with money this week, as your financial sector is looking hazy. To avoid temptation, withdraw some cash from an ATM and give your debit card to a trusted friend to hold onto for the week.

You are already a style icon, but your hair will look especially fabulous this month if you experiment with a new haircut. Love will be found at the place of your next trim.

You’ve got a certain wanderlust about you this month that needs to be addressed. Whether it be planning a road trip with your #1 home dawg or jet-setting to a whole new continent, you’ll find adventure waiting for you.

Go to the underground part of Suburbia this Saturday. Be standing directly in front of the DJ booth at 12am and prepare to come face to face with your Prince (or Princess) Charming. They will leave you believing in the power of love at first grind.

Uranus is stirring up some nasty shit this weekend — you need to relax and zen out a bit. Don’t lash out at your friends just because Uranus is making you feel a bit tender.

You are a wonderful individual who leaves a positive impact on the world around you, but I’m concerned that you are not taking enough time out for yourself. You can save the planet and still find time to treat yo’self! It’s all about balance, homie.

This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2015.
Posted 2:17pm Sunday 10th May 2015 by Madame McMystery.