Campus Blind Items

Campus Blind Items

Disclaimer: These blind items have not been verified, and all tea is rumored/alleged ☕

#1 When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, this flighty professor decided he wasn’t so keen on shacking up with his younger postgraduate girlfriend. With only hours before the lockdown rules were enforced, he decided to place all her belongings on the front lawn and changed the locks to his house. In a thespian act of revenge, his ex-girlfriend wrote and performed a play about the breakdown of their relationship – with him in the audience, no less. 

#2 Knox and St Margs might have the reputation of being culty, but this unsuspecting children-oriented University department might just take the crown. Why? Some of its students are actual members of an infamous West Coast religious community. 

#3 Hitting the bong is a lot harder when you don’t have a flat of your own away from the watchful eyes of RAs. But for freshers in this towering hall, acquiring hash is as easy as slipping a fifty to the lunch lady in exchange for a helping of bolognese with a side of bud. 

#4 Otago’s brand may no longer be “Oxford of the South,” but it doesn’t mean we’ve done away with the elite university tradition of secret societies. This carismático law professor runs a secret society wherein only top honours students and mooting victors are invited in.

#5 One look at this long-running student magazine’s Wikipedia page reveals only glowing accounts of news breaking stories and national awards. This is all thanks to the editing of one overzealous staff member, who in addition to sprucing up the publication’s greatest moments, attempted to bury their scandals by hiding the ‘Controversies’ section at the bottom. 

#6 One nationally famous athlete who travelled down to Dunners to represent his provincial team hit the Octagon after his team’s big win, and ended up hooking up with a fresher. While the much older-athlete bragged about his various sporting achievements and overseas travels, he failed to disclose the incurable STI he passed onto her, and is now facing legal action.

#7 Everyone knows the Uni budget is fucked and students love road cones. Put two and two together, and what do you get? A road cone on top of the Geology building roof, and the Uni spending $10,000 in crane hire fees in order to get it down. 

#8 A beloved Campus safety team is Watching more than students think. A storage room is purportedly home to walls of pinned photos, notes, and security stills of students to spy on. Certain flats had better watch their backs; the Uni Stormtroopers never lose sight of their Galactic Empire. 

#9 It seems like everything these days causes cancer. The bacon in your BLT, the ozone-less New Zealand sun, and the tobacco in the cigarettes you only smoke on special occasions. Now, the cancer of buildings is afflicting a local bar whose cult-following is renowned for their loyalty. Look out frothers: instead of tearing up the dance floor, they’re tearing out the walls.

#10 Once a year, students accepted into this competitive degree are sworn to secrecy before embarking on a weekend of debauchery in the wilderness. The “leaders'' care for the younger students whilst they undertake a three-night initiation involving copious amounts of alcohol. This year, numerous students got sent home early after getting too fucked. This wouldn’t be scandalous – except for the fact it was the leaders who got sent home, not the students.

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2024.
Posted 7:48pm Sunday 26th May 2024 by Critic.