Hide Ya Bong: 10 Ways to Conceal a Bong in Plain Sight

Hide Ya Bong: 10 Ways to Conceal a Bong in Plain Sight

Imagine this: halfway through punching a cone after an incredibly difficult week of BCom-broing and midweek pissups, you hear the front door creak. All your flatmates are home, and no one just fucking drops in. Like a deer in Bic-light, you scramble in fear to find a hiding spot for your still-warm apparatus – but it’s too late, as your flattie’s grandma (when did she get a key?) rounds the corner. The offensive paraphenalia in your hand sends her octogenerian ass into shock, and she has a heart attack and fucking dies. This could have been avoided! Read on for tips – a lot of them just involve sticking different things into it and gaslighting everyone into believing that that’s its intended function. 

Use as a delightful vase 
Some modern bongs are indistinguishable from rich people's ceramics these days. What bong? It’s “high art,” Edith. This technique is also a great way to gift your spare apparatus to the love of your life (or some random beezy who shouted you a fid) in a grand (if smelly) romantic gesture. You could probably get away with not changing the water, but dead flowers and bongwater sounds like a vile addition to Kings Cup. Idk, go hard.

Store in the depths of your bed
An obvious choice – the GOAT even – just toss that bad boy riiight under your bed, into the furthest corner. It absolutely won't stink your room up (like, how much worse can it be?) and there’s probably enough tissues and laundry under there already to make a nice wee nest for it. Keeping your bong under your bed ensures that it’ll be completely hidden to all others, cos let’s be real: if you choose this option, your bed isn't exactly gonna have visitors. Yes, I am calling you a hopeless virgin. Cope.

Convert into a mid-century toothbrush holder
Make sure to clean out well before using this trick. Or don’t. Infused toothpaste, anyone? A toothbrush is a similar diameter to a stem, and a coiled tube of mangled to all fuck “there’s still some in there” toothpaste can curl daintily over the lip. Probably don’t do this one though, it’s still pretty fucking stupid. Anyway, before you re-convert back to a bong, ensure you’ve removed any toothpaste residue as hoofing back a mouthful of fluoride and mint sounds a little bit naff (unless you own a sweet mint vape). That, or keep as-is and fill with Listerine, for a cone that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend. 

A quirky knife block!
If you have a two-piece bong (see: Critic’s Clocktower bong), you could split it and use one half as a knife block! If a knife fits, it’s a knife block (this does NOT include people). Good for storing your blunt as fuck op-shop knives, as well as the scissors you definitely don’t use to chop cos you can’t afford a grinder. Because you aren’t a broke uni student; you are a discerning member of the community, one who definitely hasn't tried to pack a pepper grinder with weed to make it easier for you to assemble a joint by pretending to be Gordon Ramsay assembling a tortilla.

Use as a decanter (PLUG HOLE FIRST)
You know, like those fancy crystal stopper bottles at op shops? From the days before the letters R, T and D were combined in a groundbreaking way? Passing a glass bong off as a spirit decanter is probably the most sound option: chuck a cork in the hole, and fill that MF up (with wine or Nitro or something, because you would). It turns you from a classless dirty hippy stoner into a well-adjusted – nay, posh – individual.

Ziplock bags + gaslight
Hiding the bong smell is as good as hiding the whole bong. Even the scodiest of cone pieces can’t survive being placed in two tightly-sealed ziplock bags. Chuck the whole bong in a couple big bags, and from there you’re pretty much good – it’s a real “tobacco water pipe” now, and no one can smell otherwise. It’s also not yours, and you don’t know how it got there. Feel free to douse the bag with Lynx or spray n’ wipe for the PE changing room nostalgia factor. Consider also enclosing yourself in a plastic bag. 

Bung it in the oven 
What, like you use your oven? Store the dirtiest thing in your house in the dirtiest cupboard in your house. Dunedin ovens smell skunkier than Dunedin bud. Convenient spot for a morning cone and coffee. Plus, ovens are pretty airtight and your landlord only pretends to look at them. The fuck do they know? It’s a glass steamer attachment. It belongs there. Just make sure you take it out before you cook – I mean bake – anything.

Use as a terrarium
Succulents are always trendy, and there’s probably something succulent-shaped growing in there already. A cute option. Coquette, maybe? Anyway, just fill it with dirt and see what happens. Your bong now looks schmancy as fuck, though this does take it out of commission (until the devil comes shilling his lettuce at your door again). Shove some moss in there and memorialise it on the coffee table, so you can look upon it in fondness and reminisce about the times you had with the ol’ ConePuncher9000 (it was a V bottle). Wash it out in the sink or something before recommissioning though, because smoking critters is generally frowned upon.

Pencil holder
Impress the stationary girlies – you know, the ones who use a different coloured highlighter for scarily meticulous note-taking – with your minimalist, space-saving, repurposed pencil holder! Effective, as your flat probably owns more bongs than pencils. Now both are within easy reach. Alternately, just store your dead vapes in there, apparently? I wrote this while in the Critic office. Lotto, stop putting your old hoons in with the whiteboard markers. 

Stick it to the fucking ceiling
Stand on a chair. Get enough blu-tac to patch your relo with your ex. Need I say more? Bougie it up with some string, fairy lights, and superglue for an eye-catching, eye-reddening chandelier. I don’t fucking know.

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2024.
Posted 1:16pm Sunday 14th April 2024 by Sam Smith-Soppet.