Columns

Taste: 7.5/10
Price: $12.95
Standards per vessel: 7.1

I had my pinot at room temperature so as not to kill the flavour. Besides, I had a lady coming over to help with the tasting. I thought it would sweeten the deal to let her think I was some impressive wine connoisseur; a modern Dionysus, some might say. She arrived twenty minutes late, which is good because I was masturbating in the shower and completely lost track of time.

I put on a shirt cause I’m that kind of guy when it comes to these sorts of occasions. Creamy brie, blue vein and a pottle of pesto accompanied by a platter of water crackers to feign some form of suave snack etiquette. She handed me a bunch of flowers gathered from a local garden. I could tell she thought she was being quite funny, so I pretended to laugh.

We cracked the bottle to some cool jazz to get things running nicely (and they always do run nicely when Brubeck is hitting you with some 5/4). She thought the wine was smooth and sophisticated, providing more than enough swankiness to impress even the most uptight of Carrington girls. Initially, I didn’t rate the taste. The flavour was as heavy as the sediment at the bottom of her glass. It was thick and rude on the palate. A few glasses in and the tables had turned. As the Turkish proverb goes, “this is delightful”. She thought it peachy, I detected a hint of plum. We agreed it was the fruitiest thing since John Travolta.

Half a bottle in I rated my chances – I’m the steaze sipping red and she’s got her fuck eyes on. To be honest I haven’t seen the fuck eyes before, but I assume they go a little like this. I pour another glass and she says something irrelevant.

The date gives the Matua Pinot maximum steaze factor, recommending it for BYOs with older women or other events where you’re out of your league. After all, wine drinkers make grape lovers.

The wine was good, the company less so. I don’t know if there’s anything worse than a drunk 13-year old. At least things got sexy. Big ups to Superliquor Cumberland for the hook up.

- Mr Squid