Archive

Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...

Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...

English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...

Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle

Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off

Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 11

Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu

Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen

Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101

Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 10

Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT brings us some wisdom:         A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way.   The balance of the universe is Read more...