Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...

Return to Level 2 Celebrated By Exploited Hospo Workers

Posted 4:13pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A return to Alert Level 2 is being welcomed by Dunedin’s exploited hospitality workers, who say they are looking forward to being overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated yet again.  Local bartender Timothy told the Critical Tribune: “It was real weird sitting at home. Like, I Read more...

Nissan Leaf Blissfully Unaware That It Will Be A Breatha’s Car in 20 Years

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A Japanese Nissan Leaf is sitting in a Yokohama showroom, apparently happily unaware of the abuse it will face at the hands of an Otago student in 20 years time. The electric car, decked out in Magnetic Red, was born at Nissan’s Oppama Factory last month; far too young to even comprehend Read more...

Parents Bribed Uni to Stop Students from Returning Home: OIA

Posted 3:53pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

The email from Otago suggesting Health Sci students who went home were “gambling with their academic futures” was a result of pressure, begging, and bribery from parents, according to emails released to the Critical Tribune. In an email that caused stress for many students wishing to Read more...

Lecturer Busily Planning Extra Work For Locked-Down Students

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

While most people are stuck at home with their schedules interrupted, one Uni lecturer is not letting lockdown stop his plans for the year. If anything, he’s planning to make it busier than ever before, with a flood of new assignments, projects and unit tests. Physiology lecturer Dr Mas Read more...

Hardcover Novel in Student Flat Hopeful of Finally Being Read

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A hardcover copy of “The Luminaries”, which has been gathering dust in a shady corner of a Dundas Street flat, is optimistic that it will finally be read over the lockdown period. The 2020 edition of Eleanor Catton’s book was purchased as a Christmas gift last year, by the Read more...

Horny Singles in your Area Still Ready to Mingle, Despite Level 4 Protocol

Posted 4:25pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Critic can confirm that the plethora of lonely MILF’s advertised by sketchy websties are still “seeking company” in these trying times.  Apparently unaware of, or at least willfully ignorant of, the lockdown procedure, these charming ladies have not backed down from Read more...

Dunedin Hospital Moves Geriatric Ward To Face Hayward College

Posted 4:26pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following complaints from Dunedin Hospital’s children’s ward about seeing “certain naked activities at night” from Hayward College across the road, the Hospital has stumbled upon a win-win situation: moving the geriatric ward to face the hall of residence instead. Dr. Burt Read more...

Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans

Posted 4:27pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A local breatha, Devan, has after years of experimentation reached a breakthrough in accessing the liquid contents of RTDs.  By pulling the tab on the top of the can, a hole is opened which allows convenient sipping without any mess or unnecessary brain injuries. Until just one week ago, Read more...

City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities

Posted 2:36am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Firebrand councillor Pete No-Fun voiced stern opposition to a planned multi-million dollar kids playground today, saying that it was a waste of money and that he didn’t need a large, elaborate playground to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling childhood.  He spoke up after Mayor A.A. Ron Read more...