Student Gazes Into The Abyss After Being Asked to “Discuss With the Person Sitting Next to You”

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

It was an ordinary day for Rebecca Milnes. She was sitting in her lecture, floating in and out of sleep, contemplating nothing more than which riceball shop to go to for lunch and whether or not the stranger in front of her has nits. Bliss. Then it all went to shit. “Turn to the person sitting Read more...

ODT Reporter Fired After Failing To Include A Single Pun In 10 Consecutive Stories

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Otago Daily Times local news reporter Barry O’Barrigan was terminated from his position last Thursday following reports that he had been deliberately and maliciously refusing to include wordplay or puns in any of his story headlines. Editor-In-Chief Barry Stewart pointed out one egregious Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

Middle-Aged Meth Head Thinks She Can Fit in at Student Party

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

A woman notably older than everyone else has turned up to a low-key student party on Cargill Street. Invited in by some really drunk people at the front gate who failed to notice her faded Monster Energy Drink branded hoodie, she has worked her way into someone’s bedroom and has begun sidling Read more...

David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...

Clarke Gayford to Step Down from Spending Time with Family to Spend More Time with Family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

Following explosive reports from the NZ Herald that he was “cringey,” and “had an e at the end of his name,” Clarke Gayford has stepped down from his unelected, unpaid public role. “I can’t continue in my position as a ‘guy who likes fishing and banging Read more...

Manhunt for Jaywalker Enters 48th Hour

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

A citywide search for a criminal crosser has been ongoing since Tuesday afternoon. Dunedin crimester Mathew Denys was spotted crossing the road without a green man by a concerned citizen who contacted police. Police Constable James Everest said “we’ve come close to catching him a few Read more...

Student Claims 1/64th Heritage to Justify Offensive Hyde St Costume

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

“I’ve been on Ancestry.com, that means I can dress like a chola,” claims local third year student Becky Kane upon purchasing her Hyde St keg party costume. Kane justified her lazily stereotypical costume of a Mexican drug cartel member through “watching Narcos” and Read more...

Man Returns From Dead to Ask: “U Up?”

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

Several mourners of late Dunedin man Chaz Chadderson (19) were shocked to receive a text from him at 2am on Sunday morning. Chadderson, an active participant in the Dunedin community, had been memorialised after he went missing and was assumed dead. Kelsey Summers, Bianca Laurens, Patricia Read more...

Hyde Street Lad Revamps Wardrobe by Adding Second Pair of Jandals

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

Boomer Jenkins, a third year lad and resident at The Chum Bucket on Hyde Street, has announced a new look for the fall season. After blowing out his Student Life Jandals, Boomer invested in a slick blue and white pair from the Kmart $4 section. “I like to keep things fresh,” Boomer Read more...

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