UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019

The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...

Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019

1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...

Which Dunedin Student Archetype Are You?

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 4th July 2019

Breatha Probably called Josh, Luke or Tom A feen for the sesh Has four true loves: gear, D&B, piss, and the boys. Doesn’t fear God   ‘Alty’ Owns at least one pair of Nom*D socks Spotted at either Kiki Beware, Aika, or RdC “What gigs are on Read more...

Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed

Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019

1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019

It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 14

Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad

Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...

I Fucked a Fleshlight and it Was the Most Depressing 34 Minutes of My Life

Posted 6:25pm Thursday 13th June 2019

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not out here trying to act like I’m some stud. A cute girl looks at my dick and it’ll go off like Mentos in a Coke bottle. But damn… this Fleshlight is. Not. The. Move. I’m a tried and true five finger veteran (at least 10 years of Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 13

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...

Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019

1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...